So, yes, I know I’m a fool. I know that I’m stupid. I know I shouldn’t see him. But, it’s not like I’m not hurting and missing him all the time anyway.
He’s growing up (sorta). Just like he said he wanted to do. Buying furniture, things that are his—stuff he’s never done before. Becoming more stably himself I guess, all while free to go out, be fun, be wild, and work overtime. Growing up and ever farther from me.
I keep thinking that maybe I’ll see him and go, ‘huh, what was I seeing in him?’ Hasn’t even come close to happening—where it obviously is happening more for him each time he sees me.
Just like on our very first date and every day after, each moment with him is fun, comfortable, exactly where I want to be. He has always felt like home. He still does.
The bottom line is this. I know I’ve thought it before, but it is more real now than it ever has been before. I wasn’t enough. Something in me wasn’t good enough for him or not enough of what he was looking for. Even today, once again, another person said, ‘Look at you, you could have anybody you want.’ Obviously not.
As much as he has all his own reasons that honestly don’t have anything to do with me, it still comes down to I wasn’t enough for him to want to stay, for him to continue loving me, to continue building a life with. I wasn’t enough. I’m still not.