Panel

So, I had a lunch date today, that turned into an all-day date that ended eight hours later. Yes, I’m going out on dates. Not looking for the next Chad or that ‘right’ person. How could I? I’m not looking for a relationship. Just need to keep living and try to have a few minutes where I’m not consumed by his absence. The date was with a 40-year-old guy with close-cropped grey hair. He looked younger than me however. He was so good looking that I was a little intimidated, and kept wondering why he was enjoying hanging out with me. However, it was very fun, and I plan to do it again. It’s strange to go on dates when you are grieving over and still in love with someone else and know who you want to spend your life with. However, I’m honest about where I am and what I am going through. “Missing you is just a part of living life, and I’m living out the life I’ve been given”—Amy Grant.

Last night, I went to church. I was part of church. I was asked to take part in a panel (kinda like The View), where we discuss topics in front of the church and then they discuss them. The topic last night was Faith and Doubt. (And no, it isn’t a gay church.) It was a pretty amazing experience. I told my story and then discussed my views/thoughts/questions around Faith and Doubt. I don’t have many friends that are Christian (especially straight Christians) and that I can turn to when I need them to pray for me and not think they are going to spend the whole time praying for me to get my eyes opened to my sin (yada, yada, yada), except for P & C R-L, so it was pretty revolutionary to be able to take part in such a church service and be given the chance to share my views/thoughts on God and living a Christian walk and be taken seriously by church going people (even those who aren’t comfortable with how I am living my life).

I am constantly amazed by the strength in women. The other guest speaker was a woman in her late-forties or early-fifties. Neither of us knew the other’s story, and she didn’t tell all of hers (that she ended up telling me after the service). Earlier that day, her husband (who is a preacher) of twenty-some year, father of three nearly grown children, left her and the family. He’d been having an affair and decided he was going to go with this other woman because she was a better Christian and lived a more Godly life than his wife. Seriously, if I wrote that in a book, it would be rejected for not being realistic—nobody would actually say that. Uh, yeah, they do. She told me this through tears, all the while attempting to comfort me in my pain. I was blown away by her strength and courage by even being at the service on such a day. However, maybe, like for me, it provided a sense of escape and relief to discuss things from a third-party perspective.

What was also amazing was how many straight people (I was the only fag in attendance) came to me after the service asking for my opinion on certain things (things that had nothing to do with being gay). From parents asking me about how they are handling difficult situations with their children (drugs, atheism, etc.) to other asking what I felt about their stances and beliefs on God. It was a little surreal. Fifteen years ago, I could have sat up there and felt totally qualified to handle their questions and righteous enough to address their spiritual concerns. I had all the answers. Today, I have no solid answers and yet it seems I find myself in the position of giving spiritual advice, life advice, etc, fairly often. Very, very strange. (What is more strange is the people that ask are very aware of both my gayness and my struggles this year. Just based on this year alone, I can’t imagine why someone would want to hear what I have to say.) It is all very humbling and honoring.