Saturday, September 19, 2009

poor poor pitiful

Somehow, I think I get the maddest (not quite the maddest, but close) as I ever am at him is when he is with me all night. It seems like long, full nights of sleep are non-existent during the week and not all that prevalent during the weekends if I have massage clients in the mornings. And while last night’s sleep wasn’t overly long (at least I didn’t get up at six) it was desperately needed. And there he was, in my dreams, all night. Instead of waking up refreshed and one day closer to sanity, I wake up exhausted, desperately sad, and instantly forced to deal with everything all over again. And, for some reason, dreams tend to affect me a lot—I have a hard time shaking them. Whatever emotion they evoke stays with me throughout the day.

I started watching the Vampire Diaries (which I already LOVE). The lead actress plays a role whose parent recently died in a car crash. In her diary, she writes that today was going to be the day where she becomes somebody new. No longer will she be the sad little girl that everyone feels sorry for.

I have had thoughts like that, and I even try it sometimes. Just get over it. Don’t be the guy who got dumped by the man he wants to marry. Don’t be the guy that is sad all the time. Don’t be the guy that blibbers on and on. Be someone new. Start over. Be free. You can do anything you wanna do. Anything. The world is open.

I really have tried and still do try at times, but it is tiring. At it leaves me feeling even more lost and hurting when it all comes rushing back and attempts to make up for lost time. I don’t want to be this person. However, I don’t be to be some new person either. I want what was. I want to be who I was. I want to stop sounding like a whining, bratty five-year old.

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