I Do

I met a woman last week who had been married for over twenty years (I think I already told you this story). She was married to a pastor. They have two or three adult and nearly adult children and a new granddaughter. The husband has been having an affair and just told his wife that he is leaving her for this other woman because this other woman is a better Christian than she is.
I was talking to a woman I greatly respect and admire yesterday (don’t try to figure it out—nobody who reads this knows her, really). She has been married for over forty years, has three children that are grown and gorgeous grandchildren. Her husband just finished beating cancer last year. In January, they are getting a divorce. Nothing bad or mean going on, no affairs, just want to go their own ways (she more than him, I think) and live out the rest of their lives in freedom.
It seems like I get story after story (often directly from the horse’s mouth, sometimes from a third party) of marriages and relationships falling apart. Marriages that have been established for decades. DECADES!!! Some torn apart by affairs, other simply because they are done.
I remember the moment I chose Chad. Really chose Chad. We were in a small rough spot—not that rough, but the honeymoon period was over. It was very clear to me that I could walk away and say we were done and not have to face the issues we would have to face (every couple has their own issues and imperfections that are specific to them) or I could choose him. I truly looked at it from every angle. The bottom line came down to the question, ‘Is this the man I want to spend my life with, even if these issues don’t dissipate?’ The answer was a resounding “Yes!” From that moment, it wasn’t a thing of irritation or frustration with me or fear. The exact opposite happened. Everything became simple. I’d made my choice. I knew who I wanted, who I would spend the rest of my life with. And even though I’m sure it sounds like it, it wasn’t a green decision or something based off of fairy tales. I knew exactly what I was committing to. There was no question, and there still isn’t. I would have walked by his side the rest of my life and not looked back. That doesn’t mean I think every moment would have been perfection or even close, we still live on Earth—those delusions left me years and years ago.
All these stories I hear and all the marriages I see leave me hopeless. I don’t see a marriage (straight or gay) that I want—some that are close, sortta. It leaves me feeling that you are never safe. Never. You can put all the work, all the love, all your everything in a marriage and then forty years later, the other person can shrug and wave half-heartedly as they drive away.
All this has made me have new mixed emotions about Chad and me. On one hand, he threw in the towel similar to these other people. However, he did so in the most loving, supportive, and caring way possible. It seems, he also knew what he was capable of (whether that will change in him or not, I don’t know). He said he knew he would get to where he’d have to leave one day and he knew he should do it sooner rather than years down the road. While I think he made the wrong decision, I have to respect his modicum of strength and honesty and love for me in that choice. Doesn’t make it hurt less or change what I want and my love for him, but still. I also have to be thankful that he gave me the best years of my life and showed me love I never dreamed I’d even get a taste of. So, I’m truly afraid that a person is never safe. However, I believe I’ve tasted as close to the fairy tale as you can get on this Earth, and it truly is worth everything—even the agony in its wake.