anticipation

2010—day two.

Not to worry, I’m not gonna keep track of the days. Although, that could be interesting. Well, not really. I guess if you can count to three hundred and sixty-five, you can pretty much figure it out on your own, huh? Maybe I should start numbering the days of my life! Start back from the beginning and just keep going, occasionally subtracting a few hours or days or weeks depending on what might be subtracting from my life at the moment—maybe even adding on occasionally. Oh, oh, OR I could go to a psychic and find out when I’m gonna die and start a countdown! Hmmmm…..

So, I have date tonight. Pretty sure it’s officially a date anyway. It will be the first ‘official’ date of the new year, and of any day past April 18, 2009, for that matter. I had trouble sleeping last night because I was nervous. Excited too, I suppose. Not in a ‘I’m going to see Avatar (for the third time) with the boy I will one day marry or anything. Not in the slightest. (Not that I’m not delirious about entering the world of Avatar again.) However, it will be nice to go on an actual date for the sake of it being a date with a cute boy who may or may not hold my hand during the movie, and who’d better kiss me at the end of the night.

See, told you I was going to have different outlook.

I have battled with guilt around it all today. It’s not like I haven’t kissed other boys and such since he left me, but I haven’t gone on a date date, and that changes things quite a bit. Thoughts of it hurting him when/if he finds out (thoughts of him equally not giving a shit when/if he finds out). Thoughts of it ruining the chances of him coming back—I didn’t promise I could stop being delusional. Thoughts of what was and what I don’t have.

However, I have done a very good job of shoving those away and focusing on the excitement of getting dressed up, hoping that I’m cute, going to dinner, being all nervous, being close in the movie, the possibility of asking him to come in after to meet the dogs (would YOU like to come meet the dogs?).

Remember the days I used to hold back what was really on my mind in my blog? No? Yeah, me neither.

I lost a little over twenty pounds right after he left—mostly because I couldn’t make myself eat. I still need to loose about twenty more to get back to where I was when we first started dating. I’ve wanted to keep loosing weight, but I’ve found it hard to be motivated. What was the point? I can be fat and hairy, no one to impress. And food is love. I am regretting that at the moment. The boy has the body of a marble David statue. Talk about not measuring up. Good thing I’m at least tall and have a great tan.

Oh, shit… I forgot I’m not Ricky Martin again.