Monday, January 18, 2010


A Monday that feels like Sunday. Beautiful. Meaning when Friday rolls around, it should feel like Thursday. Such a great start to the week! Although, often, these short weeks somehow turn into drama filled weeks at school, and if Friday was any indication, we are in for a doozy.

It was a fairly wonderful weekend. I didn’t get any writing done, but whatever. Two family/nephew times, a horrible haircut, new ipod (old one broke—good thing I’m hurting from doing so many massages so I can pay for it), clean dogs, and a pretty wonderful date. Yeah couldn’t be much better.

And here’s the kicker, and I almost fell over when I realized it. When I walked into my house tonight, I sighed and though, ‘so good to be home…’ Not because the day was hard, just because it was nice to come back into my safe dwelling. I haven’t thought that since he left. It’s starting to be my home again, instead of ours. And I am becoming myself again. Actually, no I’m not. I really don’t have much of a clue who I am right now, and he is very different from who I was, but I feel him solidifying. That is nice, as well. Yay for some moments of stability! It seems (at least for now) that I am at the place where I can miss him and still ache for him, but function. And even beyond function, be happy. (Now, if only he would quit being with me in my dreams.)

I made a decision today, a few weeks earlier than I was planning. I thought I’d wait till the pills were gone, but I decided to stop today. Actually, I just forgot, and then forgot again, and then decided to just go with it. I am going to stop taking my antidepressants (I’d already lowered the dose, the next doctor approved step was stopping all together—so don’t preach.) I am excited to see if I can maintain homeostasis without the pills now. I’d never been on anti-depressants before, but I am thankful for them. I literally was going insane before, and there were so, so, so many horrible days after, that I can fathom how much more horrible they could have been.

So, dating again… It really is the strangest thing. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have feelings for someone again (yes, I know you all knew I would, but I didn’t). But, I do believe the old Brandon had to die in order to feel again. I still don’t know if it can ever be as wonderful as it was, but I am excited that I am capable of feeling at all. I have developed quite the crush on the man I’ve now got a fourth date scheduled with for the next weekend. Of course, there is a 50/50 chance he is moving, so why wouldn’t I start to fall for someone who is destined to hurt me? Makes sense, right? However, I am going into this open minded, but also with my eyes wide open—not that it protects the heart, but still. Not that there’s much of a heart left. It’s funny, I really do feel like a divorcee going out on dates. There are still the giddy, butterfly feelings, but where as he always made me feel young and immortal, it is a much more somber experience—although really, really nice.

And after last year, nice is miraculous!

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