As previously discussed on multiple occasions, I am a creature of habit. I function best in a loosely structured world (one that I can change at will, but only in cosmetic ways). It just creates a sense of safety and peace for me. It has become more and more apparent that this isn’t just a mental attribute on my part, but something that permeates every part me. Most of the time, this doesn’t bother me so much, nor do I try to hide. However, there has been one little area that has been causing me embarrassment for weeks. Every morning, I have the same routine (the only variance is if I go to Starbucks or if I make coffee at home). The routine continues at school. I go to my classroom and turn on a few lights to create a soft ambience, and sign in to my computer and then run to the restroom before returning to class to start preparing for math. I’m not sure if it is the coffee, the five to six hours of sleep every night, the twenty minute drive, who knows, but my bowels seem to be just as habitual as I am. (Aren’t you glad you’re reading this?) Likewise, my new student (who I love) shows up with his mother (who I also love—very unusual) at the exact same time. This time seems to somehow correspond with when I am making my way (sometimes at a very brisk pace) to the restroom. She often stops to talk to me—most of the time, I don’t mind, except for those days when I truly am rushing—not the time you wanna talk about all the details of your classroom. We typically run into each other when I am ten or less feet away from my destination—making it very difficult to pretend that I on a different mission than the one I am truly undertaking (which I tried a couple times and finally just gave up). It’s funny, I wouldn’t mind her knowing I’m gay, that I’m often a emotional basket case, or any of the other oh-so-glorious shit about Mr. Witt, but the knowledge that she knows and I know that she knows dynamic of my restroom habits is very off-putting and somehow decreases the authority of my position, at least in my eyes. Now, if I knew hers (which, thankfully, I don’t), we be on equal footing—but alas….
And while we are on the topic of things best left unsaid, let’s say some more. Without getting specific, I have been made aware of some ‘drama’ in my home church back in ElDo. From the gossip (and yes, every bit of this is gossip) I have been privy to, it definitely sounds like drama, and much more drama than it would have to be. My heart goes out to the people (specifically, person) involved. I wish I could reach out and wrap my arms around the person and tell them they really are okay and that, while not the most desirable situation, neither is it Earth shattering like it is portrayed. However, receiving support from the oh-so-fallen golden boy would only make things worse and probably seem like solace from the devil himself. (And no, this drama is nothing to do with gayness.)
This has all put me in the frame of mind of really thinking about where I grew up, church as a whole, and people in general. Especially in the area where sex is concerned. I was speaking to an older cousin the several months ago and he was telling me things about the church that blew my mind. Despite the ‘gayness demon in my soul,’ I was a very pretty innocent youth—fairly oblivious to anything outside of my world-view. Turns out, that several of the men (straight-married-men or straight-soon-to-be-married men) in my church (some of which were in leadership positions when I was younger) used to gather in the church basement—where the Sunday school rooms are and have a toned-down version of gay orgies. There were several other details, but they don’t need to be shared. Needless to say, it blew my mind. Not only knowing that people back home had done those sort of things, but actually done them IN my church! It seems I still have a large streak of naivety within me, as the people I have talked to and expected equal shock from, have simply nodded and gone, ‘Yeah, it happens.’ That continual response is nearly as world-view altering as the acts themselves. In addition, hearing the older members of my family reminisce about ‘days-gone-by’ has been world-rocking as well. Older people in the church (many of whom are women I never wanted to think about in a sexual situation), who I always saw at fairly pious, having sex in the ‘streets/alleyways’ of my tiny little town, etc. Story after story comes to the surface from time to time. Things that if I wrote them down in a book set in a Bible-Belt ‘farm’ town, people would say I was being shocking and dramatic for the sake of it all.
All of this continues to reshape my views of sexuality and the church. So much is unsaid, and shoved aside. And sex is the ultimate sin, the ultimate example of our depravity and sinfulness. Here’s my theory—all the other ‘sins’ we are so able to talk about in church and admit as struggles are things that not everyone deals with for the most part. They are things that many people can go, wow, that is really hard, and I understand, but I don’t deal that myself. The sexual ‘sins,’ however, everyone deals with and each one is mirror for everyone else. They are shoved in back rooms, basements, alleys (which is a thought I’m used to for the gay stuff—but is a new thought for me with the straight stuff). Our society and our ‘religiousness’ seems to do nothing but create a more dangerous and secretive culture around sex that is beyond damaging, both to those who partake and those that hide themselves in fear of onslaught from those who would seek to destroy them as their truth shown light upon their own lives.
Black Coffee Tables
2 years ago