Thursday, January 28, 2010

Return from Oz

It’s funny how one sentence from someone who knows everything about you can change everything. Funny and wonderful.

This morning’s blog was the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t been all depressed and such (well, a little—especially considering what tomorrow is), but my brain has literally been going nuts—pulled a hundred different directions.

On the way home from the gym, I realized, that in the hour and a half work out I’d done, I’d made up my mind on about twenty different outcomes/decisions. Each one conflicting from the previous. I tried to take a step back and ask, “What the hell is wrong with me?” One, I realized part of me was freaking about how good things had been going with boy I’ve been going on dates with, who might move away. Second, I remembered I’d quit my anti-depressants a couple weeks ago or so. In addition to aiding depression, they assist in chaotic/obsessive thinking patterns. My doctor warned me to under so certain terms come off of them before nine months had passed with being on them, he suggested waiting a year—as coming off too soon can make the originating problems come back full force and even stronger. Nine months had barely passed. I had been doing so much better that I thought it was time. However, what I didn’t plan out was that it might be pretty horrible timing: potential new relationship starting and all the questions that go along with that, stressful events that my family is going through, anniversary of important dates coming up, etc. So, I have made the decision to return to the meds until more time has passed and I am not in the middle of time of life changes. At first I felt like a failure for deciding they helped, but pride goeth before a fall…

I talked to my BFF (KE) this evening. I had told him earlier in the week that I needed his perspective since mine seems to be off, and we had been playing phone tag. I told him some of the things that have been going through my head. About the stuff I blogged about earlier, except with full details. No sooner had I gotten it out than he told me that I indeed was crazy and that I was getting stuff all mixed up in my head because I was freaking out about things and trying to protect myself. As far as the friend I been considering, he told me I was crazy and pointed out how, for one, the timing with the friend is horrible and would be nothing but shattering to me. It was such a complete different reaction than what I expected from him that it shocked me. And then we starting talking about Parker Boy. I like him a lot.

And, everything he said felt right. Really right.

So, back on track. J Live in reality, Mr. Witt. Enjoy the extremely cool man you’ve been seeing—along with the fun and stressful butterflies that go along with it.

It feels nice to be able to breathe again.

Thanks, KE!

No comments: