Thursday, January 28, 2010


I keep finding out that more people (or at least different people) read this blog (some regularly, some on occasion) than I thought. Some that I never would have guessed in a million years. I still find it fascinating that someone would read this. The only thing I really can compare it to is maybe someone enjoying a reality show about patients in a psych ward. It’s nice that people read it, and I like that fact. I guess it is part of what gives this blog its power to me. On the days I don’t think I can take another step, knowing someone out there knows the inner workings of my heart/head give enough validation to the pain to keep going. And on the other days, the joyful and amusing days, it is simply nice to ‘share life’ with someone. All this to say, I am not complaining about what I am going to say next, just making an observation.
As I have demonstrated, I’m willing to put almost anything about myself out into cyberspace, whether it be voyeuristic, suicidal, or therapy, the results are the same. However, there are times like that past several days where I am not able to completely figure out how to process things in my mind without blogging but all the while trying to protect others in my life who don’t need to have a blog about them, and also process my own feelings and emotions about people when they (or someone they know) might read this blog. But, as my brain has refused to shut down these past many days, I’m going to give at an attempt in order to hopefully either get some clarity or simply put stuff out in the universe to get it out of my own head.
I’m not sure if it is reality, things I am actually feeling, or just my psyche’s way of trying to protect myself from more hurt. Probably, it’s just because I have some deeply entrenched need to complicate my life.
After a conversation with my BFF this past weekend, I’ve started to give more thought to someone I’ve never really allowed myself to have much thought about. (There’s a Brandon sentence—sheesh!) This person has been a dear friend for years. Years. Back into when I was in the abusive relationship years. A man I truly love dearly. A man I respect and care for. Many times, to several people, I have said, I really wish I could fall for so-and-so. Well, it seems at least for the moment, part of me thinks I have. And, it really doesn’t make much sense. Because I know him so well, I also know the parts of us that would really clash and cause problems. I know the things he would HAVE to change for us to be together, as well as the things I would HAVE to change. Things that have always helped the feelings stay very platonic. (Not to mention, I am nearly certain that I am physically not his type at all.) Nevertheless, the past few days have brought him forefront to my mind. Do I wait and see if these feelings leave on their own? Do I talk to him about them? Do I shove them away? Are they are real? A portion of me wonders if I am simply trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. I am definitely developing sincere feelings for the man I’ve gone a four dates with, and I already care for him deeply and can see a possible relationship further in the future. So, maybe this all a knee-jerk reaction to help cut those feelings off. There is also a good chance he’s moving away, maybe this is my way of protecting myself from that as well. It sounds just like me to fall for someone who will leave, right? So, real or not. Protection or not, I’m not sure. I’m not sure how to figure it out or how to think about it. I guess I should just let life happen and quit trying to figure it out and control, since it does what it fucking wants to do anyway, regardless of me. In a glorious life moment, I got on facebook, just to look at his pictures and see what gut reaction I might have (because life is so simply to figure out). His profile came on, and with all of out tons and tons of mutual friends we have, who was the one that showed up in the spot that show three of our friends? Him. Of course, Him. Anytime his face comes into view without warning, it is still like a knife’s slash all over again. I’ve done such a good job this month of not acknowledging his existence that it all seems nearly like a dream. Like I made it all up. Not really acknowledging that our anniversary would have been tomorrow. Then those moments happen. Maybe that moment was my answer to both of my ponderies. Or maybe it is just one more way to protect myself. Imagine, pain somehow protecting.
So, do I continue to simply let life happen and enjoy the company of the man I am beginning to fall for before he leaves me? Do I inspect these new feelings for a friend? Or do I simply shut the doors again and realize I’m too fucked in the head to even make decisions?
HUH. Wow, after proof reading (I know you didn’t think I actually did that, due to all the errors all the time ), I didn’t figure out anything or have any revelations about all of this, but I did figure out why I haven’t been able to stop eating all week. Really, it’s been crazy (I had two dinners last night). I should have had enough insight to have nailed that one down days ago. Well, if nothing else, maybe this will help me return to normal on that front. Geesh!

No comments: