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Yesterday seemed like a trial by fire to see if I am serious about being happy again, about trying to shove the past out of my present, all the while attempting to do so unaided by chemicals prescribed by a doctor.
The trigger: I won’t write much detail, as it would be unethical and unwise, but I had the worst IEP meeting of my life yesterday. Here are the two hours summed up in one sentence: After a couple ‘special request’ meetings this year for my new sixth grader, I finally conceded to do things as the parents wanted—not focus on school/homework (just too stressful) and instead focused solely on her maintaining, only to be ripped apart by the parents because she wasn’t getting enough work and homework. That is the extreme watered-down run-on sentence version. Typically, I can let things from work go pretty quickly. This was different. I don’t handle being pressured to do things I don’t fundamentally agree with, especially when I am set up to be crucified for the very thing I was forced into. Work, blah, blah, blah.
The result: Blame my co-dependant nature if you will, why not… All I wanted was to rush home and be held for moment. To be reminded (like I used to be) that it is just a job, it’s not all that I am or all that I have—that I have something much bigger I am building with someone. Or even a phone call to say, “I am having a horrible, horrible day,” and for him to say, “Sorry, Babe. I love you, I’ll be home with you in awhile.’
The surprising thing, and maybe the hopeful thing (in regards to my mental reality), is that I didn’t think of him first. I thought of the one I’ve been going on dates with. Which is entirely inappropriate and stupid considering where we are currently, and his potential move (plus I’m fairly certain I am much more into him than he is to me—shocking!). No sooner had I thought of him, then I realized I hadn’t thought of him. I realized I have done a great job of shoving him away and turning him into someone who simply would let me down and reject all that I am. Which in turn, brought back in a rush all that I thought I had with him. How much I love him and how much he doesn’t love me.
Thankfully, my brother called and seemed to be in a similar mood, so we played Nintendo and ate a lot, and then I fell asleep with my puppies. Not what I had before, not even close. But, it is much more than what many people have, and I am blessed to be able to take solace in them.
So, functioning so far unaided. I can see a little more removed today and realize that this reality is what I have. Even if it’s not the reality I want. It all seems like the reality I thought I was living in before was never reality for him, so in turn, it was never a real reality for me either. At least what I have now is real, right?
And, either way, it is 2010. That year is dead, as is the person I was. So, onward and, hopefully, upward.