conversations

I can’t help but have the song that goes, “I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through…” continuously going through my head today.
Knowing me, I would imagine, you first thought was of romance or getting over romance or whatnot. Nope. All work. The past six days of work have been pretty hellish—only partly due to the children, mainly due to parents who should never have been given permission to be parents and ‘educators’ (these people ARE NOT teachers at my school, btw) who don’t have a spine to stand up straight with. I actually might get back to enjoying teaching again today, and if not today, then I will tomorrow when the adrenaline has finally started to ebb.
As far as that being taken in reference to my love life… well, I guess I am closer to being through the wilderness than I was previously, however, not so much if my dreams and never ending obsession with ‘figuring things out’ is any indication. However, at least I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It might just be an emergency light that leads off into more aimless darkness, but it’s a light nonetheless.
Speaking of ‘romance,’ my mom was very cute last night. I went with her to get gas, and I could tell she was wanting to ask me something. Finally, she cautiously inquired, “So, is your new friend, [boy who did Sunday in Parker day], more than a friend?” She’s heard his name a couple times when she’s asked what I am doing at certain times; she knows that he lives in Parker and that there is a good chance he might be moving away in a few months. Grudgingly, I said that he is, knowing what was coming: how they had been praying that after the hell I went through with him that I would have learned my lesson, that I needed to give it more time and prayer, that she couldn’t stand to see me hurt more.
“He might be moving, right?”
I nodded.
“What does that mean for you?”
“It’s just something I may have to deal with.”
“Are you thinking of moving with him?” the ache in her eyes was palpable and I finally figured out this wasn’t the conversation I thought we were having.
“No, Mom. I’m not moving for anyone. I’m here. I’m staying here. This is where I belong right now.” (Not that I truly haven’t thought about running away every day since he left—if there is one spot in this town that doesn’t have a connection to him, I haven’t found it yet.)
The relief that flooded her was instantaneous. I hadn’t even thought she’d have considered that. Even if we’d been dating long enough for me to consider moving with him (which, obviously is laughable at this point), I wouldn’t now anyway. I’m needed here. New baby, Younger Brother, Family having to leave their house to get an apartment, thing after thing after thing.
It was very cute, and such a relief to not have go through the whole, ‘no matter how much it hurts, I can’t turn myself straight, and now wouldn’t if I could’ conversation yet again.
There are not words to express how much I love my family and how much I rely on them with every fiber in me.