she doth protest too much

As if I needed a reminder that I am a titch nuts and that I have a ton of issues, I read my own blog this morning. I like to think that I am a little more in touch with what’s going on inside my head and heart, than the average human, the majority of the time (can we say egocentric, I think so!). With all the work I have done (and still do), I actually think that is a pretty accurate assessment of myself. One of the down sides of this is that I realize how many issues I actually have. It can be a blessing because I can recognize them for what they are and choose to work on them, or not. However, sometimes it’s crippling when those issues make feel inadequate to be around others or feel worthy of their love (how’s that for an issue in and of itself?).
Here are two of my issues (ones that won’t surprise anyone that knows me, and ones that constantly battle within me with each other): As much as I fight it, I still have this core belief that I have to be perfect in every way to be valuable or worthy of anything; I also have an anger that can flare into a monster when I feel like I am being reprimanded or told what to do or chastised like a child.
Such was my feeling this morning when I read the comment on last night’s blog about that I wasn’t making very good decisions in what I blog about when I talk about my massage business. (How many times can I say ‘about’ in one sentence?) First and foremost, I realize that the fire that went through instantaneously was a tab bit over-reactive (and I’ve sat with it with it for about an hour—again going through my retarded amount of introspection and questioning). In all actually, the comment (no matter who it was from or what their intent) is just, and wise, sound advice. One that I could heed and learn from. However, as I am not five (despite how my blibbering on must contradict), I was fully aware of what I was writing and what possible consequences might be. I am confident in my massage business and skills, and I have been blessed to have a great client base with fairly cool people—some that have actually become lifelong friends. On the flip side, this business comes with clients (mostly 1st time clients) that are creepy as hell and at times make me feel unsafe in my own home and completely gross me out. These were clients that we were taught of quite frankly in massage school (which, by the way, if I haven’t mentioned before, was the hardest school I have ever gone through—much harder than my degrees that I hold). Those clients know who they are and are ones that I won’t see again anyway. However, when you’ve already cleared your evening and adjusted everything to fit that, you force your way through the massage and get it over with. There have been a few times where it has been bad enough that I have stopped the massage—however, if possible, I makes myself go through it.
On the other side, there is the question of this blog. A question I have thought about many times. I don’t use wisdom in the typical sense with what I write. There are some things I edit and adjust to protect others (and sometimes myself). However, (and I know it is reactionary to a childhood where I kept EVERYTHING inside and never felt known) I told myself when I started that I was going to use this as way to sort through things, and, at hard times, make my pain and hurt a little less by sharing it—even if no one is reading it. And while creepy, gross massage clients aren’t a source of pain, they always make me take a step back and realize that there are things we have to put up with in order to survive. I was speaking to one of best friends last night and she was telling of similar things she and her husband are doing in order to stay afloat—not their first choices, but reality nonetheless. The other part I promised myself in this blog is that I wasn’t going to pretend I was perfect. I can be petty, childish, egotistical, selfish, doubtful, rude, judging, and at times a plain bitch. While I don’t (or at least try not to) wallow in those aspects, they are there, and so be it. Welcome to life.
So, talk about an over-reaction to a simple, honest, true, anonymous comment. But there you have it. And, as always, while not how I wanted to spend my morning over coffee, it is helpful to be forced to take a look at your life, intentions, choices, and reactionary emotions. And while my gut reaction (even before the resentment of being reprimanded) was an over-whelming sense of guilt that I had to change and fix everything immediate because I was bad, I actually am okay with what I wrote and what I feel. And if my clients read this (they know if they are creepy or not) and are offended, so be it. I don’t set out to offend people in this blog (and most of the time, go out of my way to not—despite how it may look at times [be glad you’re not in my head]), but neither do I make anyone read it, and I write for my own sanity in many areas—an attempt to deal with the pain and hurt of certain things, and the silliness and surreal moments of life I never expected, as well as celebrating the joy and funny moments that life gives to make it bearable—which, in a strange way, is exactly what this is.