Monday, December 20, 2010

parties and ponderings

My ‘favorite’ night of the year is past—dinner with my favorite boys (most of them anyway). I cooked and cooked and cooked. It turned out really great, actually—maybe my favorite meal I’ve ever done. It’s nice when you work that hard and things actually turn out—too often, I have to give disclaimers on how it was supposed to be. The absence of my bff was more difficult than I anticipated. And, for the second year in a row, the absence of HWMNBN was glaring. That part is stupid. I’ve had many, many more years of this tradition than what he was a part of, how can his absence be so palatable during things that came before him?
Today is his birthday. My stomach has been in knots about it for days, feeling it build and build. Stupid, I know. I sent him his gift this morning. I also texted him happy birthday. The text came back from some girl saying he was no longer at that number. That hurt. He may not even have the same email anymore. Who knows. As ever, it just shows how his life has continued to move on without my knowledge while mine continues as it is.
While at my bff’s Christmas party last night, some friends asked if I had been seeing anyone lately. I responded by telling them a little about the man I’ve been on five or six dates with. They responded, ‘Oh, that’s wonderful! So, you two are dating!” To which I responded, “No, we’re not. We’re not exclusive. He knows I’m still a bit of mess. We are just going on dates and enjoying being together—seeing where it could go.” A half smile, “Yeah, that’s dating.”
Of course, that threw my mind into overdrive. Am I dating? I don’t want to be dating. I don’t feel like I should be yet. I really like the guy. I have a great time with him. I look forward to hearing from him. However, I don’t feel the love thing or that huge crush thing that should be required for dating. I don’t really know if I’m capable of that. Does it mean it’s not the right guy, that I’m not able to go there even if it was the right guy, ugh….
I am so thrilled to be on break from school. More relief from not being with the adults as opposed to the kids, although that is nice too. So, here I sit at the coffee shop—in my favorite spot, didn’t even have to fight for it! If it kills me, I am going to get the books finished and submitted in the next week and a half. Maybe, after, I’ll even be inspired to start a new book. I hope. Even if I am afraid of everything anymore, friends, ex’s, new dates, life, I’ll be damned if I let my fear take the joy of writing from me.

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