Thursday, December 23, 2010

waa waa waa

I tell you, it has been just one of those evenings. The day started off well. I got a lot done, spent about an hour, after researching several agents, writing a query to an agent and then had the guts to send it. I felt good about it. I was proud of myself. Fairly hopeful, yet realistic. The books I have read (by books, I mean book, singular) say that getting an agent can be just as hard, if not harder than getting an editor/publisher.
Then I went to see The Black Swan with three of my friends. Two of us got there first. The other being one of my oldest and most trusted friends. I had to talk myself into sitting by him instead of sitting two seats away. You might think that I didn’t want people to think we were gay or something. No, I just didn’t want to assume that he’d want to sit by me instead of one of the other friends. Seriously? What is wrong me? I told myself to get over it and said that I was worthy to sit by my friend. Still, I asked before I sat by him. Why do I do that? I hate it when people act like that. Plus, even if he didn’t want me to, what is he gonna say? Hell, no, scoot down. Not likely.
The movie was good, very well done, kept me on the edge of my seat (me being the only one of the four of us that kept jumping at the intense parts, of course), but fairly dark and depressing. No fairly about it. It was about a mental illness/breakdown. While I don’t think I see things that aren’t there, I could relate to feeling that you’re in this world that no one else sees. After the movie, we had an hour to spare before we were all going to another friend’s Christmas party. My three friends decided to go get a bite to eat. I declined, saying I had to go home and change clothes for the party and buy Christmas beer, per friend’s request. These were both true, but I was glad for the excuse. Too nervous to stay. I went home, bought beer (before I got home—they actually have Christmas beer), and changed clothes. Then had about thirty minutes to kill so that I wouldn’t be early. What better use of time than to sit and cry? It took everything in me to leave the house and go to my friend’s home. I have so many friends that a lot of my friends get mad at me because I never can find enough time to fit them all in enough. Yet the loneliness is crushing at times. When you are surrounded by people you love and that love you and you feel as if you are in a completely different world than they are. Every ghost of the past lashing you, every fear for the future consuming you. To top it off, I was a little allergic to my friend’s dog. I’ve been struggling with breathing, sneezing, and coughing the past three days due to being around my bff’s fucking cat on Sunday. The little dog allergy I have normally wouldn’t bother me, but combined with my already weakened state, I had to leave the house three different times to go cough, blow my nose, and try to breathe. I sat there, surrounded by my friends, trying to breath without wheezing, not joining in the conversation, completely focused on not crying and trying to breathe. Finally, I left. No, it wasn’t a panic attack or anything like that. It still hurts to breathe, though the hot tea is helping. I went and sat in a steam room and hot tub and felt much, much better. Then, a few blocks from home, my rear passenger tire went flat, found a razor blade in it. Nope, not kidding. Normally, I can change a tire in five minutes or less, but for some reason, I missed a step and it took me nearly half an hour in the cold with wet hair and jeans with a hole in the crotch. Not a good night to go commando. So much for any good the hot tub did.
I feel a little better now, not crying anyway. I guess the point of this is this: I have had to eat my words so many times, that you’d think I’d weigh even more than I do. I used to not have any sympathy for those who had ‘depression.’ I considered it weak, an excuse, all in their heads. And, maybe it is. But, I know this, it’s consuming, weakening, and scary at times. At least, I hope this is still depression. I hate to think this is simply being alive.

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