choices

It’s after midnight, so, technically, even thought I have yet to go to bed, it is now Saturday. Now seven weeks since he left. It seems like years. It seems unending.

I have come to an ‘understanding’ today. One that I think I kinda, mostly, understood before. I have been trying to comprehend how Chad could leave when he loved me so much, trying to decide which is true. Like I have said before, both are true. Here’s how I’m looking at it today. It’s not that Chad wasn’t being himself or being true for the two plus years he was with me. It was real, he was real. However, there are two Chads (just like there are two [or more] of all of us). The other Chad, the one who isn’t able to be committed, have a relationship, responsibility, build something real, likes to drink, party, not have anyone to answer to, etc. While I felt he had ample time to indulge the second Chad with me, it was obviously not enough for him. I don’t believe the first Chad isn’t the real Chad (like I think Chad believes), however, I do believe he has turned that Chad off for now, completely. Who knows if he will ever choose to bring that other real part of himself out again, but it doesn’t make it less real. Chad is, and always has been, able to turn things on and off when he chooses, much more than I can. He made a choice to turn on the other side of Chad, and only turn on that side. While he didn’t do anything wrong, he did make the wrong choice. He just did. I am worth more than going out nearly every night, I am worth more than endless drinking and forgotten nights, I am worth more than partying, I am worth more than juvenile incessant celebrations with friends, I am worth more than being commitment free. Chad’s love for me is worth more than that, and is more than that. He chose wrong. That doesn’t negate the truth.

After I got home from a house party tonight, I walked by my bookshelf where there were a couple of Chad’s things. The final Harry Potter book and a stuffed elephant I bought him when he had his appendectomy. He has several things boxed up in the storage room, waiting until he has his own place. I have often walked by and patted that elephant, thinking of Chad. Tonight, I decided enough was enough. I packed the elephant and one of his boxes and the book. However, I, for some reason, looked in the cover (a habit I have with every book). He had written his name, the date (July 2007) and ‘Chad loves Brandon.’ He didn’t do this for me. I don’t think I have ever even seen it. I have my own copy, of course. He did that for himself. He chose wrong. I wrote a little note and stuck it in the book, with the date. Just a reminder that I still love him. Period. Who knows when or if he will ever see it, and I didn’t do it so that it would turn into some fairy tale and make him come back. It is just vital that he knows, both now and in the future, that he is loved and he experienced love that most people don’t get to have.