For those who say my conscience must be dead and snuffed out in order for me to live a Christian-gay lifestyle, I have a small bit of proof to offer to the contrary. I was convicted during Bible Study last night. The Bible study I am going to is working its way through the twelve steps. Some people are there fighting their addiction to drugs, alcohol, etc. Others are there due to abusive relationships, co-dependency, etc. Others, like me, are there to discuss God in a small group setting in a way that is more real with some people they love.
Last night was step three. Letting God take control. This has always been an issue for me. Nothing new there. However, last night I realized that during the first several weeks following Chad’s leaving, I truly was turning things over to God, letting Him have control. Of course, I had no choice. I had no control over anything anyway. I was able to turn it over because I was so out of control. During the past couple weeks, I have spent less time in prayer, less time just giving everything to Him, and reminding Him (like He needs it) and myself that He is in charge of everything, not me.
As we discussed last night, turning things over to Him is difficult. For me, part of the reason is that I don’t believe that He promises a happy, contented life here on Earth. Just the opposite, actually. In addition, I know that often the things I want either aren’t things He wants or simply doesn’t seem fit to alter (ie. Grandma still died, Chad is still gone). I know our focus should be on Heaven. And while I want to go to Heaven (though it continues to scare the Hell out of me [for a guy who hates change, forever of anything is scary]), I also want to be content on Earth. I don’t need riches or lavishness, but I do desire to be happy and content. I am sure many would offer that as proof that I obviously have my priorities messed up.
Despite that I am functioning better lately, I still realize that I’m not in control. I can’t make Chad love me again. I can’t make him find our relationship more valuable than being single and going out and partying all the time. I can’t force my books to get published. I can’t make the people I love not get sick and leave me. I know this. Regardless of my frustration in that area, I don’t have a choice: I have no power to change such things. While it is scary, there is nothing I can do to alter that.
So, I continue to turn it all over to Him. I still plead for Chad’s safety, that he finds the answers that he seeks, that he remembers his love for me and returns. I still plead for my family and friend’s health. I still ask for His blessing on my ‘writing career.’ I have no promises that He will see fit to bring my submissions to fruition (just the opposite, actually), but I have no other power, no other choice, so I will continue to give everything most valuable to me to Him for safekeeping. The scoffers say that a person believes in God because they are too weak to think they are on their own in this life, that this life is all there is, and that there is no greater purpose. Well, that may be so, because I know I am too weak to face any of those things being a real possibility, and therefore I will continue to place my trust in Him, even when it seems my pleas fall on deaf ears, even when He seems to do the opposite (a majority of the time) of what I desire, even if He slays me. What choice do I have?
1 comment:
Hi Brandon,
I've been reading your blog and have to say that I've never seen anyone share their life, emotions and thoughts so freely. It's refreshing!
While I agree with you regarding giving your cares over to God; I've been taught that God doesn't just make anything happen that we want and I don't think you're saying that? We put in the work and if it's supposed to be, it happens. If it's not supposed to happen, it doesn't. There have been several times in my life where I wanted something so bad I could hardly stand it. I had put in all the effort, the blood, the sweat, the tears, the prayers but for whatever reason each scenario didn't work out. While I was disappointed, it wasn't until years later that I finally understood why each circumstance didn't work.
It was so frustrating at the time but God essentially had a masterplan for my life and while I was disappointed because I didn't get the position/the relationship/the car/to keep my dad or whatever the scenario was, I came out better than I was before. Now when I look back I've been blessed with so many things that are so much better than what I could have hoped for. I've developed better relationships with people, I'm working in a company that I value and values me, and even my fathers death which was a huge blow to me turned out to make me a better person. I stuggled for over two years to come to grips with his passing but I came out the other side being stronger and better in several ways but the most essential was the ability to make my own decisions (where I would have relied on him to help me make those).
Remember God has your best interests at heart and you will emerge a better, stronger, more knowledgable person! My God is a God who is Just, Perfect, Majestic, Omnicient, Omnipresent and Wonderful with all of my best interests at heart! I know he's your God too! You'll just have to let him show you his plan. He will, it may just take some time and may be frustrating but GOD's WILL IS PERFECT and I don't believe he is slaying you but he is making you stronger! :)
God's peace and love be with you my brother!
Post a Comment