me me me

Maybe I’ve said this before (sometimes I have realizations and then forget about them and then have them all over again) but I have been waiting for the day where I feel like Brandon again. Then I would know that I am better. Granted it has only been eight weeks (today, 3:15), so maybe I shouldn’t feel like me yet. However, this is what I have determined. I won’t ever feel like Brandon again, at least not who I was before Chad, probably not who I was with Chad. I experienced too much. Too much that was amazing and life altering. And lately, too much pain, too much heartbreak. Agony that is life altering. So, I think I’m waiting for something that can’t happen. I can’t be who I was. You can’t strip away two plus years (not that I want to) and you can undo so much pain. Therefore, this is who I am, right now. I’m already Brandon. I don’t fully recognize myself. I’m familiar, sortta, but I’m sure not the old Brandon. Things affect and hurt me more than they did before, and other things that would have bothered me to death previously, I don’t give a rat ass about (not that I understand who is wanting to receive this alleged rat’s ass anyway). I imagine that the same is true for Chad. When I get to see him and talk to him, which is less and less all the time, he is still Chad, still sweet, kind, loving, and wonderful, but he has turned off the part of himself that was my ‘husband.’ Maybe one day he’ll turn it back on, for me or for someone else. Maybe he won’t. I’m sure whoever this new Brandon is will be much different in a few months from who he is now. I kinda feel numb about there being a new one. I don’t really him that much, but I don’t really have a problem with him either.