on a rainy tuesday

I thought I was going to get my tattoo today, but it changed to Thursday. I realize I am learning patience. Before I would have driven all over the city to find someone else to give me the tattoo since I wouldn’t have been able stop obsessing until it was done. Now, I am so used to waiting on things (waiting on things that probably aren’t going to happen), that I didn’t do much more than shrug, and say, ‘oh, well.’ I know that is the correct response and I don’t need any congratulations around it, I’m just saying. It is going to be a small tattoo, so I don’t think it will take very long or be very expensive. I am using part of the money Chad gave to me from my birthday. It feels appropriate that it would be a ‘gift’ from him. More on that later probably. (Aren’t you just desperately excited?)

I am a little confused on what is actually happening inside of me. The anti-depressants aren’t supposed to start working for at least another week. However, I am a little better, so I don’t know if it just me or if they are working a little faster than they should. It definitely helps having my birthday over with. Although I can’t let myself think about it. I still can’t wrap my mind how things could change so much in a year. I just couldn’t believe Chad wouldn’t come back to me before my birthday, but now that it has come and gone, some of that anticipation is gone too. I also don’t have the anticipation of seeing Chad again on a certain day. This is the first time we don’t have a time set up to see each other again. It is both good and bad. I’m not stressing and building up to the day I get to see him; however, I am hurt by why he hasn’t wanted to set up a date yet. It takes everything I have not text him and try to set up our next time (if there is one), or just to say hi. I know I can’t, though. I told him that he wanted to leave me and that he knows what I want. If he wants to talk to me, he will. If not, I have to let him be. It may not bring him back to me, but at least I won’t shove him farther and farther away. Part of me wonders if he was trying to help me get through my birthday (he knows what a huge deal it is and how worried I was about it), and now that its over he is going to pull further and further away.

Several weeks before he left me, I had a few dreams that he was leaving me. They ruined my mornings, but I let them slide off my back and didn’t affect Chad and me. I recently had a dream that Chad is dating one of his friends right now. I can’t shake the dream. I keep thinking it is probably happening, and it may be. It’s been over six weeks, and he has the right to. However, I would have to look at that as though he left me for this other guy, especially when he said he’s not ready for a relationship. And, here I go stressing over things from dreams that mean nothing.

Like I said, I don’t know if it is the meds, my birthday being over, or what, but I am starting to shove it from my mind when I am able to. I start to feel desperate and devastated and I simply say a prayer that Chad will be loved and that God will take care of him, remind myself that I don’t have to have Chad love me for me to love him, and remember that at one point, I know he really was in love with me completely.

It is definitely time for the tattoo. “Though you slay me I will trust you.” I have never understood anything less and have never hurt more or been more confused, but I trust that God will take care of him and love him, I trust that He will help me to survive, and maybe love again (hopefully Chad).

Through it all the sun keeps coming up, my friends still call, Chad is still out there breathing and that means so much, my novel is growing slowly page-by-page, and I miss him. With every breath I miss the man I love, my best friend.