unexpected

It has been an interesting day for me, good and bad. The good, I got to read. I read the first Sookie Stackhouse novel (the one True Blood is based off of). I started the second one as well. Also, I had forgotten how much I loved and missed fireflies. Some of the most magical memories I have from childhood are in our backyard at night, the toads croaking and the locus screeching so loud you could barely hear yourself think, bats flying overhead, and fireflies surrounding you like an enchanted mist. I think it is the only aspect of living in Missouri that I miss, besides a few choice wonderful people, obviously. Of course with the supposed global warming, maybe they will migrate to Colorado. Yay greenhouse gasses!

The bad, or difficult part revolved around. . . well, you know what it revolved around. I was surprised though. I thought leaving town would make it easier, especially being away during Pride. I’m sure it did actually. If I had stayed in Denver and gone out for Pride, I would have been a total basket case. I’m not, so that’s good. However, when we got to Kansas City, it was everything I could do to not text Chad and let him know that I got here okay. If I would have, he would have been sweet and told me that he was glad and probably thank me for letting him know. He’s still sweet, even if he really wouldn’t care. I am used to thinking of myself as two, as Chad as my other half and me the other half of him. For some reason, being away makes it a little less real that he doesn’t want to be my other half. To me, it feels like he is at home right now, probably watching TV and taking care of the dogs. It feels like I will be walking back into the house Monday night and see him sitting where he always was, laying on the couch. The dogs would accost me at the door. I would pet them and drag in my suitcase, then lean over the couch and give him a kiss as he tells me that he’s glad I’m home. The feeling will leave when I get home and all that greets me are the dogs. Chad will not have been there and will have lived it up all weekend and not missed me at all as he celebrates Pride. I wasn’t expecting this when I came back here. I’m not entirely sure what to do with it besides acknowledge it and remind myself what the reality is.

Again, I have to remind myself of all I had in my arms, in my life; remind myself that so many never get to have what I got to hold; focus on being thankful for the time he gave me his love and shared his life with me, as well as thankfulness for him continuing to exist and be healthy and safe in this world. While it hurts, knowing that helps somewhat, and I am grateful for it.