everything i'll never find again

“You’ve been in the past for awhile, I get a flash and I smile. Am I crazy, still miss you baby. It was real, it was right, but it burned too hot to survive. All that’s left is all these ashes. Where does the love go? I don’t know. When it’s all said and done. How could I be losing you forever, after so much time we spent together? Don’t know why I had to lose you, now you’ve just become like everything I’ll never find again—at the bottom of the ocean.” --Miley Cyrus, Bottom of the Ocean

I dreamed about him. All night. I have always hated dreaming. It only gets worse with time. To have him so near, to remember his touch, his voice, how much he really loved me at one point. Then to wake up and see life is still the way it is.

I wish I could pick one emotion and stick with it. I am so angry. Every day I get angrier and angrier. I think I’d be fine with that if it would drown everything else out. If I could just be angry and not love him, not miss him, not feel hollow. Fool.

His best friend’s boyfriend came home from the Army this week (he’d been gone for a year). I am so happy for them, that they get to be together. But, I am so mad and so jealous. I’ve always been emotional and always pretty in touch with my feelings, unfortunately. However, one emotion I have hardly ever had to deal with is jealousy. It’s just something I really don’t have in me. Except now. And I hate it. I want to just be happy for them, and I am, but I don’t get it.

I’m ready for this to end. Even if it means I somehow lose the love I have for him. It’s not like it does any good anyway—he doesn’t want it, and it only hurts me. I’m ready to quit mourning for him, quit wanting him all the time, quit feeling like my other half is missing. There is nothing that heals it, only distracts me for a time and then it’s back—sharper and more real than ever. I’m so mad. I’m not sure if I’ve ever really been this mad, and I know I’ve never hurt this much. There have been so many things in life that I have finally come to accept that I will never understand and never know the whole truth and/or reasons (until the end, maybe), why can’t I let his leaving me, his stopping loving me be one of them?