Wednesday, August 05, 2009

quick to crack, slow to dry

I am sitting down getting ready to start planning the second installment of the Men of Myth series. Actually, I need to plan some aspects that will carry on to the fulfillment. Of course, this means that I am terrified. I’m not sure why it is half the time I sit down to write I get scared. Well, of course I’m sure—I’m afraid it will suck. That I am wasting my time. That it will all be for naught. That I’ll poor all my love into it and it will run away and die—or something like that. I wonder if I get published if I will be able to relax and trust the process or if I will always be preparing for the rejection. Similarly, I wonder, if I get into another relationship, when (if ever) I will be able to trust that they really love me and aren’t going to leave. Having been there already, I’m not really sure if I will be able to ever trust that again.

I’ve been doing a really good job of not checking his status on facebook all the time. It helps to not see all the stuff he is doing that is oh-so-wonderful and worth sacrificing our life together for. It’s surprising how much will power it takes to not look. I guess part of me aches for the slice across the heart to see how happy he is in his life. I also can’t comprehend how I pray for his happiness and fulfillment, and that I truly want him happy, yet it hurts so badly to know that he is. Of course, THOSE are the prayers that are answered.

Wow, I am so nervous that I have sat here for ten minutes since writing the last paragraph just staring at the computer. That doesn’t bode will for getting some good planning done. Most of the time, blogging gets me fired up and ready to dive in. Today, I kinda just wanna curl up and be tiny.

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