I leave for a week of outdoor lab with tons of sixth graders in less than twenty-four hours, and I couldn’t be feeling much worse. Between the allergies and what I think is turning into a sinus infections, somehow being more desperately depressed than I have in well over a month or more, worrying about things going on here that I will be away from, and just an overall sense of hopelessness, I’m not sure how I’m going to function. On one hand though, it sounds rather beautiful to get the fuck outta here. Up in the mountains where I can’t get cell-phone reception or internet access. No phone calls telling me of Chad’s current date, no seeing online how much he is loving Brandon-free life, no coming home to the absence of what-was (however, I will miss the puppies fiercely) and though I’m not sure if I can physically get through it at this point, it does sound nice to have a week of pseudo reset button pushing. (Yes, I am aware that I am negative nancy today—she and I have become enmeshed lately.)
I remember the days (years) that I considered myself the truly happiest person I knew. Wonder if that person still exists somewhere inside? Probably. However, I do think he has been irreparably damaged.