gut punch

So, it finally happened. I knew it would. I’ve dreaded it. Tried to prepare for it. Apparently didn’t succeed.

A friend told me tonight that he was at the Beer Bust on Sunday (where else?) and saw Chad there with someone he was obviously either interested in or with. He said this person started paying more attention to him than to Chad and that it seemed Chad wasn’t too happy about this. Of course, appearances can be misleading, but still… He told me this with the goal of making me laugh (about the second part of the story). That wasn’t quite the reaction I had.

I knew this day would come. When I would hear about him being with someone else. Now there are only two more things I have to get through. Actually seeing him with someone else and finding out that he is ‘with’ someone else.

It is hard enough to think he left me for partying and to be ‘himself.’ And I never expected him to stay single and not fool around. However, I don’t know if there is anything that could hurt more. I can’t put into the words the love we had. The love he had for me. Where did it go, and why doesn’t he love me? People say not to take it personal, that it’s about him. Well, obviously, it’s not—there are others out there he is willing to be with that aren’t me. I’m not very good at math, but even I can figure that one out. It’s not that he wants to be alone, it’s that he doesn’t want to be with me. People ask what the big deal is. It’s not as if he’s all that cute or all that wonderful, they say. Actually, he is. No, not perfect, but he is the best man I’ve known, the kindest, the sweetest, the person that made me happier than I ever thought I could be. Yeah, it’s a a big deal that he doesn’t love me. It’s a big deal that someone else gets to hold him and kiss him. And I know it’s dramatic, but I truly believe—it’s a big deal because they won’t truly understand how wonderful he is, and he’ll be okay with that. Hell, it will probably even help.

I don’t get it. I’m sure it’s right in front of my face. I’m sure it’s so simple that it confuses me, but I can’t wrap my brain around him truly being gone. His love for me truly dying. My life continuing to go on without him by my side. Him being so happy leaving our life behind him. Leaving us. Leaving me.