Monday, December 21, 2009

bubbles and bangles

Christmas is over. Yay! Actually, it isn’t, but it always feels like Christmas is over after the gay boys’ Christmas dinner is past. I spend so much time in preparation for that day every year that it has turned into the pinnacle of my holiday season—apparently even during years when I don’t really have much investment in the holiday season. However, there is still Christmas Eve with my brother, as we do every year—only this year we actually have reservations somewhere so we don’t have to drive all around for hours finding all the places to eat that are closed. . . we finally learned. And, then, of course, there is Christmas with Gavin this year. Which is just bliss.

Christmas dinner with my boys went beautifully, and I really was able to simply enjoy their presence. There were only a couple moments where I hurt, and I think I was able to play it off, which is an improvement. I just loving having my home filled with such wonderful people. People that I trust with everything I am. Some of us see each other all the time, others of us only see each other a few times a year now, but these are my chosen family, and words can not express how much I rely on them and how much they mean to me. Merry Christmas!!!

Yesterday was his birthday. His birthday. I had a lot I wanted to say about that, but now I don’t. It’s enough to just say it was his birthday. Enough. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. However, I have switched back from that he simply needed time to grow up and learn who he really is to mostly accepting he must have just not been happy. Not happy with us. Not happy with me. Not happy. We are having lunch tomorrow. I know I said I wouldn’t, but it’s been months. Months (how horribly weird is that!). Plus, I have this intense fear of running into him at parties and out and about, so the whole not seeing him isn’t really realistic, and I need to face it soon. And, he asked. How can I tell him no? It might hurt his feelings. And, I hurt either way, so this way it’s only one of us hurting. Maybe it’s just another lie I tell myself to think he’d actually experience any hurt or disappointment if I said no anyhow. However, I’m smart and I am going to see Avatar IMAX 3-D tomorrow afternoon with some wonderful friends who will slap me back into shape if needed.

Moving on, moving on, moving on.

So, today I started working out again (let’s just say that saying that I gained somewhere between five and ten pounds over the weekend is not an exaggeration—even the pups gained weight—Dolan couldn’t fit in his harness yesterday! Not kidding… I’m not supposed to give dogs cookies? Why the hell not?). The gym is always full of hot men. Most gay men seem to like this. I don’t. I don’t enjoy being around beautiful people that I don’t know. If I know them, it’s okay, because it’s them, and I can forgive them. If I don’t know them, it just makes me feel really ugly. I much prefer to be around fat ugly or mildly attractive strangers. That way I’m the hot one! That’s much more fun. Despite all the irritatingly hot men around, there are still people that make me feel good about myself. Today such relief took the form of a fiftish woman. She obviously had money, or wanted to look like she had money (but no taste). People should take a sanity test before they are allowed to have children and people should have to take a class test before they are allowed to have money. Over her waifishly-thin body, she had on black tights and a contoured spandex white top. Over said top, she wore a massive, massive leopard print faux-fur coat, complete with an extravagant fur collar. In addition, she carried around her leopard print purse. As she traveled from machine to machine, she would set her purse down and remove her jungle cat inspired Cruella Deville coat, revealing chain upon chain of heavy gold necklaces—some thick interlocking ropes, others intertwined with pearls.

Really. It’s moment like those that remind me that no matter how much life may hurt, there are still reasons to keep on going. They are also the moments that provide me with characters that I would love to write about. Can you imagine the life you could create for this woman? So many angles and contradictions you could conjure. It’s not the present I asked for, God, but I for sure thank you for the thought! It really was fairly priceless!

No comments: