Tuesday, December 01, 2009

gift of nothing

Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. Damned if he does. Damned if he doesn’t. It hurts so much when it’s weeks between emails and it hurts so much every time I hear from him. After three weeks, he wrote me, and without meaning too, ruined my day. Before he left me, I’d been planning on getting a trip to see the live finale of America’s Next Dance Crew of this coming season and make it into a trip for his birthday. Obviously, can’t do that since he left me. However, after much thought, I decided that I was going to buy him the whole set of DVD’s of his favorite show, Friends. In his email this morning, simply making conversation, he told me that his friends were getting him Friends DVD’s. I had planned this gift for a couple months now. It was the perfect gift to both communicate how much he means to me, how well I know what he loves, and make an effort to provide happiness for him abstractly. Even that was taken from me. When I told him, he replied how I didn’t need to get him anything (he always said that) and how he is always amazed by how I try to take care of those around me. He meant it as a genuine compliment. Of course, I took it as him being just one other person to buy a gift for. One more reminder that the man who loved, missed, and wanted me is so far away that there is no remnant of him inside the man that remains. That I am in love with, grieve for, and was left by someone who doesn’t exist any longer.

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