I woke up furious today. Absolutely livid. Which is never fun. Especially when it takes a few moments to realize why you are so angry. Of course it didn’t take very long. The thought of him in California again for New Years. Him kissing someone else Happy New Year. Throwing me away. Throwing us away. The whole damned thing. Of course, obviously he did the right thing since he doesn’t love me. Whatever.
I got the yearly photo album in the mail last night. Holding it in my hands was fairly surreal. Turning the pages as the year went by, staring one way and ending so different. I was somehow able to view it fairly detached. Like an observer of a life other than my own. In deed, seeing photos from the beginning of the year is observing someone else’s life. I’m not that man anymore. I’m pretty sure if I ran into him, he wouldn’t even recognize me. He was a idiot. A blind, happy, content idiot. But an idiot, nonetheless. Huh. That’s odd. Writing that felt wrong. I wasn’t an idiot. I might be one now, but I wasn’t then. I don’t regret the trust and love I placed in him, and I don’t begrudge the happiness I had. I’m thankful for it. If I was an idiot, I pray I get to be an idiot again.
My New Year’s Eve plans are simple. Getting simpler all the time, actually, since people are sick and such. My brother and I, my best friend, KE, and his bf, CP, and CP’s dad are going to dinner at Osteria Marco, then KE, my brother and I are going to my house to play games, play Wii, and make fondue in the fondue set that CP got me for Christmas. (CP has to work—Boo!) True, I’m not with the person I would chose to be with for the New Year, however, I am with the runner up. It will be a nice, calm, simple New Year’s Eve, hopefully. Hopefully ushering in a new year full of nice, calm, simple days of 2010.
No matter what, I have never been so thrilled for a year to die, and I will celebrate its death with everything in me!