Monday, December 28, 2009

Happy Endings for Dummies

(I miss him tonight. Somehow even more than normal. Not in a weepy way. Simply in a wish he we here, life were back to normal sorta way. Wish he missed me.)

For those of you who get massages frequently. Whether your massages end in a Happy Ending or not—please take note.

*If you are shoving your leg into your massage therapist’s chest so hard that it hurts his sternum so that you can ‘open yourself up more’ when he’s trying to work on your tensor facia lata, it ain’t gonna happen.

*If you are prone and your therapist is reaching under to scrape your quads and you raise your leg straight in the air for ‘better access’ to things he wasn’t try to get access to and inadvertently kick him in the face (with your thick, nasty toenail), it ain’t gonna happen.

*If you raise your ass in the air and make it follow your therapist around the table hoping something will get stuck in it, all you are doing is making yourself look like some kinda gross canon and the therapist is simply worried about getting gassed, it ain’t gonna happen.

*If by the end of the massage, your therapist is sore, not from working deep into your muscles but from having to put up so much resistance to your straining muscles that were constantly pushing the opposite direction in an attempt to redirect his hands, your therapist probably wants to simply hurt you, it ain’t gonna happen.

*If when the massage is over and your therapist thanks you and tells you to take your time getting ready, and you respond with an irritated and somehow shocked response that he didn’t help you blow your load, not only didn’t it happen, but your therapist won. And he wishes much impotence and limpness upon you.

***Oh, and one more thing, all those times you cringed because of how painfully deep he went. Yeah, well, that was on purpose.

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