Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Saw Avatar last night. The world moved. The world shook. The world forever changed.

Okay, maybe not. But close. It was wonderful. Despite negative reviews on the storyline and characters, I greatly enjoyed that aspect. Found it shockingly believable and relatable. But, of course, the greatest parts were the visual effects. Hands down, the most beauty I have ever seen. Anywhere. Beauty that was only plausible in cartoons before has been made a reality, and now all the more beautiful for it. Truly, it was sublime. Similar to when I am in the presence of people who seem too beautiful to exist in real life, it was almost painful to watch. Like part of me ached to be there—hell, the way life has been, all of me ached to be there.

I am glad I already ready purchased tickets to see it Christmas Eve with my brother (first time I bought tickets to see a movie twice before I had even seen it once). I was so overwhelmed and torn from one frame of thought to another, that I need see it again, just in an attempt to get more clarity on my emotions. Seeing so much beauty destroyed (no, I’m not giving away anything—from the previews it is easy to see there is a war scene, of course there are things going to get destroyed) of course made me correlate it to my existence in . . . wait for it. . . my experiences with him leaving me. I know, I know, it is utterly shocking how many things I can twist to find comparisons to him—you should just hear all the things I don’t write.

The other aspect was a very religious one, which I wasn’t expecting. In two forms. One, if man can fathom such beauty and create such a world (even one just on computers), how much more can God create. What must Heaven be like? Which brings me to two. Even as a kid, the idea of Heaven scared me nearly as much as Hell. However, with this movie, (I wasn’t kidding before) I ached to be there. To be home in it. It might have been the first time I’ve felt like I’m not meant to be in this world—in a good way. I am overly familiar with the feeling that I don’t belong here because of all the pain here; however it was like I was catching a glimpse of Heaven—or a heaven, and my soul called out to be here, recognizing the shadow of the world I live in now. Actually, if I recall correctly, that is somewhat Biblical. Life here being but a shadow or a reflection of real life where we are meant to be. I’ve never really been able to grasp that before. But, there it was in front of me. A world so like ours, in which I could recognize everything for being like something in our world, but magnified in greatness by a thousand—at least.

Of course, maybe I am seeking for an escape from this life so desperately that I’m willing to give myself over to the glitter in an attempt to breath fully. Maybe that is the proof that I need. The proof that there still is hope in me somewhere. This can’t be all there is. It just can’t be.

And now, I am off to begin the process of editing and rewriting the fantasy novel, try to forget lunch yesterday, try to forget the years of happiness, try to forget the crumbling world around me and around my family and loose myself to vampires, demons, and another world of my own. Wish me luck.

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