Friday, December 18, 2009

the tinman stireth

I am excited. Really. Not really, really excited, but I am excited—for real! I think it might be the first time I have had a completely pure emotion since I can remember. As with all, there is still that tinge that keeps it from being complete, but still. As I made my list of grocery shopping for Christmas dinner with the boys, the excitement started to build. I am looking forward to going to the grocery store tonight with their gift card and filling the cart as my book on iPod speaks to me, then going home and cooking till midnight or one and then starting again tomorrow morning, pausing only to clean and do a massage and walk the dogs. I won’t be singing Christmas music the whole time like normal, but vampire romances are close, right?
I am excited to have the boys I love most gather in my home, filling it with love and laughter. Dolan slipping into his frantic state as he whores himself out to waiting hands. Dunkyn cautiously sniffing and testing the safety of men he knows so well. The others drinking wine as I finish the food and get it on the table. Opening gifts gathered around the poinsettia. Games until late in the evening. I won’t think about his birthday on Sunday. I won’t think about our lunch next Tuesday. I will shove the memory of him by my side at Christmas dinners in the past out of my mind when they arise—reminding myself that there is no Arizona and that I am surrounded by those who continue to actually choose to walk this life with me.
I won’t have to force a smile. I won’t have to fake being interested. I won’t have to pretend to be human for a few hours. I will be able to simply Be. To rest in the love filling my home. Take shelter in the arms that will surround me. Bask in the beauty of the men around my table. From start to finish, I will be able to say and believe that life is good.

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