Just returned from church. No, it didn’t burn down. I love hearing TB teach. Most often I am brought to tears. Other times, he makes me think. I like the tears better. He was talking about the struggle some people have with the depression after the holidays are over. I used to be one of them. Now that I’m depressed all the time, it’s just another day for me. Yay!!! A silver lining! While that particular subject didn’t apply to me this year, it was an obvious leap to apply everything he was talking about to life in general. I’d like to go through his sermon with his wit and charm and retell it, but I don’t have it in me. However, one of the points he made roughly translates: life is what it is, deal with it—don’t wallow in it’s misery, just deal with it and keep going. Hello church guilt, how are you? Haven’t seen you in a bit. He left. It’s how life is. He doesn’t love you, you thought he did. It’s how life is. His happier without. You’re less happy without him. It’s how life is. Deal with it. Don’t wallow in misery, just deal with it and keep going.
I really am trying. I’m the first to admit that I haven’t done such a successful job in this area. While I know that I should be doing better, I’m not really sure how to do it. I used to be so good at suppressing my feelings and playing the game. I think I’ve gone the other extreme and have no idea how to find homeostasis any longer.
The other realization, which probably shouldn’t have been surprising, was experienced during the singing. Surrounded by those with hands raised, honest emotion covering their faces as they sang of their love and trust in him. I remember the boy/man who bore my name experiencing those same emotions. I really do remember. Part of me misses them. Part of me doesn’t. Sounds bad, huh? I want to love him again. I think. I want to really trust him again. I trust him, but it’s because I realize there’s not really another choice. I still go through the motions. I still pray every morning, mostly just sitting there in silence. Not meditating, just giving him the time.