Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Because sometimes morbid is real

I had a very strange and wonderful experience this evening. My dear, dear friend. PRL (straight, married, father of two) and I were on our way to see Avatar (for my fifth time). However, we ended up seeing A Single Man (don’t worry RB, I’ll see it again). I’m not going to say much about it, as I don’t want to give anything away, but it is about a gay man dealing with his ‘partner’s’ [hate that word] death after sixteen years together. It was amazing to see this gorgeous film with my straight friend beside me. It felt like a gift of somesort. Such love, acceptance, and pure coolness that most straight men would never be willing or able to give. It was humbling.

I have also decided that I am going to quit saying my feelings are overly-dramatic and silly. Maybe they are, but who the fuck cares. They are real, truly and deeply real for me. That said, the movie was a very hard to watch, as so much time was given to how he felt after the death and how he dealt with it. People who don’t think breakups trigger the same emotions as death have never been through a genuine breakup. It was like I reliving moment after moment—some of them months ago and some current. As horrible as it sounds, there have been times I have thought a death would have been easier—at least he wouldn’t have stopped loving me and wouldn’t have left me on purpose! There have also have been times I’ve felt cheated in that way. When I die, he won’t be loosing a husband. Just some guy he loved for a bit killed over. I know, my thoughts are morbid, but they’re real.

Again, that being said, I have to say this: I am so very thankful that Chad broke up with me and didn’t die. Though it hurts to know he is out there and doesn’t wanna be with me and I even though I don’t wanna run into him at a party, my life is better knowing that he is in this world. That he is happy and well.

If you get the chance, see A Single Man. Not happy. Not funny. But beautiful and very real.

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