Kamikaze

I’m not sure if it was payback for actually being a tad hopeful or what was going on. I got home from work and got onto Facebook to check some party events, and HWMNBN had about ten different pictures all at once on other people’s updates that he’d been tagged in. Even thought he’s blocked they still came up. I didn’t sit there and stare at them, in fact, I deleted several posts and even blocked some other friends so I wouldn’t have to see that again. It was like an instantaneous punch to the gut, like my heart was collapsing on itself. It was instant, and it was rather shocking. And, completely out of my control, which scares me. I fought tears the rest of the night, even when I shoved it from my mind as much as I could. Most people that go through what I have don’t take so long to heal, and even if they do, they are much farther ahead than I am at this point. I don’t what part of me is broken and I’m uncertain how it will be fixed, if at all. How can he hurt me over and over again when he doesn’t even realize (or care). Why can’t whatever part is inside of me accept reality and shut it off. I’m tired of being broken.