Thursday, March 03, 2011


After a day or so of not being in the worst of moods, it makes sense that it would all crash down. Make me pay. However, maybe (maybe), it’s a step in the direction I need or am supposed to take. Even though there is nothing I’d rather do less.
I was reading Ricky Martin’s biography, ‘Me.’ (By the way, I know which things are supposed to be underlined and such, but I can’t the blog to publish it for some reason—computer illiterance [new word], not grammatical.) It’s taking me forever to get through. I don’t like reading biographies. By their very nature, they are self-absorbed, which gets on my nerves. I’m the only one in the world that’s allowed to be self-absorbed, remember? If other people are thinking about themselves, then they aren’t thinking about me, and that’s really not okay. This follow passage from page 82, triggered having to admit to myself something that I’ve been shoving, intentionally, from my consciousness for months and months:
“I learned that it is very easy to lose yourself in the pain. Pain comes, it seduces you, it plays with you, and you identify with it to the point that you start to believe this is how life is. When you feel that heaviness in your heart, most of the time the parameters of pain and relief become blurry, and it is very east to stay stuck in what you already know, pain. We lose our memory and forget the peaceful moments when everything was light and gravity was an ally. It’s okay to feel hurt—it’s human. It’s important to feel, but you cannot cling to sadness, distress, or bitterness for too long, because they will inevitably destroy you.”
How long have I been saying I feel destroy (though not in that exact word)? Sadly, he doesn’t say how he coped with that or give advice beyond that you have to fight. I love you, Ricky, but I really need a little more advice than that. I’ve been fighting. I’m exhausted from fighting. I ready to stop fighting.
Somehow, this triggered what I’ve been dreading saying out loud. I’ve never even said it to myself out loud, just pushed it from my mind when it comes up. I have to meet with HWMNBN and have a conversation. Not fully sure what all needs to be said, but I need to face him before I run into him somewhere else. I need to face him so that the terror I have of seeing him elsewhere doesn’t continue to suffocate me. At some point, I have to go places where he might be. And I don’t want to do that randomly and have it happen by surprise before I’ve clarified a couple things first.
There, I admit that I have to do this. While I hate knowing things I have to do and not simply doing them that instant (I want to get it done with, don’t want to dread it any longer), I also know I’m not ready yet. I need to be a little more stable to so, I don’t want to meet with him and be a blabbering, sobbing idiot. I need to see him when I feel stronger, when I can have my walls up against him somewhat, and where I don’t feel like a pile of shit in his presence. If it’s impossible to get there before seeing him, so be it, but I need to try before I bring that on myself. Maybe knowing it is probably coming will help me get ready to face it.
A couple hours after admitting this to myself, I got a text from the first man I loved (not the fucking asshole who was my first boyfriend, but the first man I loved, the second boyfriend)—the one who kissed me this summer, that rather magical night on his sidewalk with crickets singing, blah, blah, blah—the one who told me it was a mistake the next day and that he can’t be in a relationship. Yeah, that one. He texted me to ask if I knew a certain guy (which turned out to be this gorgeous guy who stood me up about a month ago), and if I had any thoughts on if he was ok or not, that they’d been flirting, blah, blah, blah. He’s asked me about guys in the past, and it wasn’t a big deal, but that was when HWMNBN and I were together, and before our last interaction this summer. Typically, I would have just answered and been nice. He picked the wrong day. I let him know that I knew that he wasn’t trying to be mean, but that it hurts me now when he asks me about other men—that I’m rather tired of being reminded that I’m not good enough for the two men I’ve loved. While, my love for him is nothing compared to HWMNBN, part of me will always love him. He responded very nicely, apologized and said he would never ask me such things again. That he wasn’t thinking. Great, glad our kiss, that night, and that my feelings are so forgettable. However, while I was glad I said what I did, it was one more twist of the already throbbing wound with the knife imbedded.
The final cut came on the way home as I listened to the radio. They were talking about the court case that was ended yesterday, where the father of marine was suing the Westbro Baptist Chruch, or something to that effect. It was determined that their actions as his son’s funeral (he died in service) are protected under our constitutional rights. While I actually agree that they are (although, if their words were racists in effect, I would bet the court would have decided differently). They played a clip of the woman signing at the funeral. “Brokeback Mountain made God angry; soldiers died and when to Hell.” (Not one ounce of that is God, and I know that.) It crushed what was left of my spirit that was actually functioning at that moment.


Avenjer said...

Awwwww, I feel like you've been doing so well recently B. In so many ways. Playing pool and singing the grocery song without thinking or having a bad reaction was such a good step in the right direction. And now this... Darn you Ricky Martin with your sexy hips and your fancy silver pants with the book learnin' and livin la vida loca! ;) Well, if you feel you must have a conversation with what's his name, just realize he may not be interested in having that conversation with you. Sometimes there's never closure. And sometimes I don't think it's needed to move on. Really, the closure is within you. Probably. Maybe. I don't know. I just always feel that the second you or I or anyone starts to think that we need the "other guy" to "kiss our booboo and make it all better" that it's a huge mistake we're making. We have to kiss ourselves, fix it, and make it better on our own. And in many ways in life this is true. But I would say since you can't have the conversation with him yet or are worried about not being prepared if you run into him by accident in public. Then practice the conversation in your head or to his photo until you know what you would want to say to him, to be ready for it in real life. You know I don't have a high opinion of him. I think he was cowardly and untruthful in his excuses and reasons for ending it. And I think in a face to face, he will still be the same. With weak answers. Because I don't think he knows what he wants or what his reasons are. And again that's all about him and his issues. Which have nothing to do with you. He's the one with the problem. That he doesn't really want to fix. I think he just wants to take the easy way in and out of relationships---or whatever his version of being in a relationship is. Which is bad bad bad. But that's just my take on it. Anyway, please watch these funny sassy clips for me. For a laugh but maybe a bit of a gentle nudge for you too. I've mentioned before I don't want you turning into Havisham. So stay strong B. Take care :)

Brandon said...

Awww, Avenjer, also so sweet (and I've been missing your posts the past few days...).
I'm not expecting closure or reasons from him. I don't expect him to make one thing better or more understandable about where life is. And, you're right, there is a chance he won't want to meet, I've thought about that--it's unlikely given his kind nature (not just love talking, everyone that knows him loves how kind and gentle he is), but there's a chance he won't. If that's the case, there's a form of closure I wouldn't even be searching for, but wow, that will hurt. For me, it will kinda be like throwing open the cloest door to face the monster inside instead of hiding in the bed, sheets pull over my head, waiting for it to come to me. Not one bit of me wants to talk about our relaitionship or what happened or anything--there's no answer he could give that wouldn't cut, and none would justify. I simply think I need to face my fear of our meeting on my own terms. Whenever that is. :) As always, thank for yoru care and concern. b