Tuesday, March 08, 2011


It quite literally took everything in me to turn off of I70 this morning, turn away from the mountains. (I so want another weekend with the boys in the mountains.) The car was freezing, but I had my coffee, heater blaring on me, had a horror novel playing over the speakers, and fog surrounded me on all sides. Honestly, if I hadn’t known that the fog would soon leave, the day would truly soon begin, and the moment would be lost at any rate, I probably wouldn’t have been able to ignore the impulse. Not sure what I love so much about that specific recipe of environmental factors, but it always has a soothing effect on me, has the ability to anesthetize my brain.
I heard back from Daniel Lazar last night, much sooner than anticipated. He was the agent that I had such a great gut feeling about. He is ‘afraid [my] project does not seem right for [their] list.’ For some reason, this one hit me harder than any of the others, even more than the rejection from Kensington. It really messes with me when my gut feelings are so off base. I truly didn’t think I was forcing whatever emotion that was. It was actually surprising to me—how at peace I felt after I sent it to him, like I had just made the bridge that would take me to the other side. Apparently not, it seems. If not for that feeling, it just would have been one more rejection, not a big deal at this point—they’re kinda second nature—in love and writing. However, I let my emotions, unintentionally, get involved on this one. You’d think I’d learn that lesson by now. Turn it off, keep it removed. (On a similar, yet different note, I was having a conversation with a very new friend on Sunday. At his urging, not because I wanted to talk about it, I spoke in very generic terms of the break-up. He and his partner of seventeen years had split up about five years ago, mutual decision. One of his main points what that it wasn’t personal. It was just not meant to be. I laughed so derisively that it prompted him to flinch and say that I was jaded and jagged enough to cut someone if they got to close (duh). Right, not personal, not personal at all. If that’s not personal, then nothing is. And I’m so fucking sick of ‘not meant to be.’ Especially in my relationship with HWMNBN, but also across the board. People make their decisions, we have free will—to make beauty and to destroy. Not meant to be is the excuse of the weak, of those who don’t want to take ownership or responsibility. It’s personal. Whether it’s rejection of love or of my writing—It’s personal.)


Anonymous said...

I hate to tell you this, but it is personal. Just not the personal you make it out to be. It is HWMNBN's personal. It is his decision period. It is not about you, it is about him. What he chooses is beyond your control and thereby irrelevant. It may be temporarily painful, but you can not change it by pleading alone.

You choose to believe it is about "you not being enough." This is the self aggrandizing solipsistic behavior that leads you to your self-imposed melancholy. Imagine taking on all that that happens to you is a result of yourself. It is a Sysphean task that never reaches a conclusion. The fact is life's randomness and human social capriciousness makes the idea of it all being about you patently untrue to the core. Try to focus on what is within your control. That is the best you can do. Only you can believe you are enough.

The fact is, because your self image is one of "not being enough," you project that to others.

How do you feel about a person who keeps telling you ad nauseam that they are not good enough? Eventually most people will just shrug their shoulders and finally agree with them. The more you dwell on not being enough for HWMNBN the more you convince him of that very fact. Sad but true. The fact is, I believe you have managed to convince him of this fact already, so why keep reminding him of it. Message Received. Try sending a new message. Perhaps that will create the change you desire.

The truth is you are the only one who can believe you are enough, period. Enough for whom, you might ask?: To be enough for yourself.

I personally feel this is a common struggle for many people so you are not alone. In fact, I believe it to be a by product of religion. One is never enough for God and therefore must constantly ask for forgiveness and make desperate pleas toward Him to be worthy.

One's worthiness comes from within. Are you good enough for yourself? Will you ever allow yourself to be?

These are the questions you should be asking yourself.

On a side note: Isn't this exactly the struggle for which your character in 'The Shattered Door' wrestle's? I am unconvinced in the book that he has overcome these self doubting fears as the jacket proclaims. His Automaton Jed feeds him the verse and action that he himself should possess. It is his own lack of action that leaves him dependent. No?!?!?

These are just my thoughts really. Take it as you will.


Anonymous said...

Typo: Sisyphean

Brandon said...

While I can appreciate your point, and in some case can see it as vaild, I don't really believe it matches the point of this particular blog. I can honestly say I've never communicated that I'm not enough to HWMNBN--espcially since we broke up--Even though he did decide that I wasn't enough for him or what he wanted--yes, that his is personal choice, but it is also a personal decision about me. I have not, since that time, given my concerns about 'not being enough' to him. At this point, and for a long time, there has not been any communication whatsoever. Nothing I did communicated that to him before or since.
Do I feel not good enough in many, many ways? Hell yes, I sure do. Some due ot my own issues, others due to choices people have made that affect me personally. And yes, it is a constant battle I face--some of it possibly chosen, some not at all.

Anonymous said...

How did he decide you were not enough for him?

That is your interpretation of his choice: A Self interpretation.

I highly doubt he said to you "You Brandon, are not enough for me."

Thereby, it is you who makes this proclamation about yourself.

He merely chose to do something else. That is in no way a statement about you not being enough for him.

His decision to do something else is his own personal choice and is not PERSONALLY about you.

Anyone can make their own personal choices that impact you without it being personally about you.



Anonymous said...

RE: I can honestly say I've never communicated that I'm not enough to HWMNBN.


There are other ways to communicate other than words. And by internalizing his decision in this way -- making it about you, a reflection of it inevitable-- and thus you must externalize it.

On the other hand, he made every effort after the break up to communicate, nonverbally, to you how important you still are and yet you refused to hear it. Concluding and interpreting it as "You were not enough for him."

I guess he just finally agreed with you.


Anonymous said...

Here is my final thought:

HWMNBN said:

I am not happy. I need to discover myself. Now is not the time for me to be in a relationship. I need to be on my own.

Not one of those statements contains the word you. Therefore, it is personal --- his personal.

So when your friend says "it isn't personal (about you)" as the implied object he is accurate.

The choice to not be in a relationship is not equal to a rejection of you. This is urely evidenced by his spending time with you after breaking up.

When he says "it is not meant to be" that is because the personal choices by BOTH of YOU are not the same.

it is not meant to be is equated to, for most people, it can not be. Because if it was meant to be then it would be.

Hope this clarifies why my comment is pertinent to your particular blog.

All the best


Brandon said...

I will say this. I have taken time to step back before I respond. I know your intention and that it comes from a place of goodness and trying to help. However, you have hit on one of the few true triggers I have. I do not need anyone telling me the 'true' interoperation of my life and its events. I can appreciate how you are able to see it as you do. However, every single thing stated, to me, is the epitome of what this particular blog was about. The fact is that the man who said he was going to marry me, the man who planned a life together in San Diego, the man who discussed having children with me, the man who said he would spend his life with me, chose to leave. Period. It is fucking personal. And no amount of fortune cookie rhetoric changes the hard facts. I just typed a lot more and realized the whole reason I took a few steps back is so I would keep my temper and remember this came from a place of concern from you, so I deleted it. Thank you for for your intention. However, it has felt me feeling emotionally beat up while I was told I have no real perspective, discernment, or understanding of my own life. I appreciate your intention, but I will ask to not offer me any more of your truth of my life, at least not in this area. Thanks. Sorry if that seems weak or harsh or whatnot. I don't mean to be offensive, but there I am...