Saturday, March 13, 2010

empty finger, haunted life

If someone told me that I’d happily wake up at seven on a Saturday and get out of my bed that I never get to actually sleep in after six AM, I’d have laughed at them. Well, happily is probably the wrong word, but out of bed nonetheless. Feeling rather raw and tender (not in a good way) this morning, I decided to spend a couple hours before my next massage client at the coffee shop instead of working out as planned. I will work out later.

I got invited to an engagement party last night. For a gay couple that are friends with Chad. I truly was happy for them. Although their engagement party is ending at Tracks (the may local gay dance club), and I couldn’t help thinking, “Really? Of course…” It’s nice to see a couple that want to be together. Where one isn’t running away or realizing he doesn’t love the other. Of course, I’ve learned that is always an option, apparently, but still. There was a picture of one of them down on one knee (looked like they were on vacation in Mexico or something). I want to be the one getting proposed to. I know that’s the girl’s role, but sill. I’m tired of being the one doing the chasing.

While I truly was happy for them, it was a slice to the heart. I know it’s pure jealousy, I’m aware of that. I’m also aware that it is wrong and selfish—but nothing new there, right? And I know this sounds like a spoiled little boy, but, why do they get that and not me? Why did one of them love the other enough to propose when mine only loved me enough to leave calmly?

I want to move. I want to get out of this town. I love Denver. Truly. The more I’m here, the more I fall in love with it, but it simply hurts too much to be here. Half the places here I don’t go out of fear I’ll see him, and nearly every place I go has his ghost there, staring at me, enigmatically replaying our life spent together.

There’s not much keeping me here. I have so many friends that between them all and the second job, I never really get to see any of them regularly (also, gotta say, I’m getting sick of the guilt trips from some friends about this issue, doesn’t really help). The bff and his bf are probably going to move sooner or later, and everything in this cow town screams his name. A constant torment.

The only thing keeping me here is my family. And they are keeping me here. The only thing the MIGHT make me leave is if he came back and needed to move for some reason and wanted me with him. Wahahhahhahahahaha. At least I’m safe from that happening. I’m not leaving. I won’t leave my family. My folks need me. Period. I need them. My brother (crazy as he is at times) is a best friend to me, I love him desperately. And now there is Gavin. I won’t leave him. I am going to give him the best uncle I possibly can. So, moving, more than ever, is not an option. But I want to, more than ever. I almost moved to San Diego six or seven years ago, even was taking trips out there to look at condos and houses and such, then my land sale fell through and I couldn’t afford it. I want to move more now than I even did then.

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