I am definitely operating in a state of Zombieland. While I shockingly loved this movie (and want to own it one day), I don’t refer to the desire to eat other people. They’re not greasy or cheesy enough. However, I am in a perpetual zombie-like state/existence. It is getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning. It was bad enough when I was doing so many massages at night after work, however, going directly to my folks and staying there loading/packing/moving until I drive home and go to bed could easily do me in. I think I feel my brain turning to ash. Which, honestly, could be an improvement—we’ll just have to see. Saturday is the day we are all taking for ourselves, so I am hopeful that my body will let me sleep in.
If it were just the sleep issue, I think I’d be able to function better, but the zombieness is transferring to my emotional state at well. Part of this is an improvement. Not having time to write, think, or talk to anyone about issues other than students or our financial wasteland, is limiting the time that his absence and choices are able to cause me pain. This seems like a good thing. However, I guess it all comes out one way or another. Every single fucking night, I dream about him. Sometimes, we are still together, sometimes he’s telling how much he doesn’t love me, sometimes it’s just him living happily without me, sometimes (and these are the worst) it is just glimpses of our lives together—we’re on vacation, we’re making dinner at home, we’re having sex, he’s kissing me. Psyche, could you please just pick one area of my life to torment me with at a time please.
As always, however, the bright spot is both my family and friends (I’d say the dogs too, but we don’t even have time to be together right now). My family will get through this and we will be stronger, things may always be difficult or a struggle to make ends meet from now on, but we know who we are and what we are to each other. And my friends have made it apparent that they will gather around me (and my family) if and when the time comes. Priceless.
All that said, here’s the fantasy for today: I want to sell everything single thing I own (except for my pictures, camera, computer, TV/Movies, and cooking equipment) and buy a tiny (while beautiful) place on one of the islands of Hawaii. He will remember he loves me and move with me, my closest friends and family will move as well, and the puppies and I will sit on the beach all day, writing novels, before I come home and make his and my dinner and enjoy simply breathing and watching the sunset.
Black Coffee Tables
1 year ago