Thursday, March 11, 2010

once upon a time

I don’t know how he always knows, but he always seems does.

For the first time in nearly a month, I just glanced back at my email history this morning. I was just curious the last time he wrote me. It would be a month in just a couple days. I checked because I am sure at some point, he will stop contacting me. I don’t understand why he does. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t miss me.

Within five hours, I had an email from him. Just saying and seeing if we can have lunch over my Spring Break. For those first few moments, as ever, my mind goes delusional. Maybe this will be the time he says he made a mistake. This will be the time he’ll remember that he loves me. This will be the time when he wants me back. Then, I wake up. If that were case, we wouldn’t be making a lunch plans three weeks from now. It wouldn’t be over email. It wouldn’t be my life.

I’m already nervous and dreading it. I’m already nervous and so happy that I get to see him again. Pathetic.

Honestly, I am glad he still, for some bizarre reason, wants me in his life—even though I don’t want to see him in a mixed company. However, he has become a fairytale to me. A life I dreamed I lived once. A happiness I made up. A love that was only in my mind. It makes it easier. If it was a fairytale, all a lie, it makes sense. I didn’t loose anything real. I never really was loved. It was all in my head. That illusion comes crashing down when the fairytale reaches out and sends an email or wants to eat with me. That shattering of perception is why I can’t handle ever seeing him in public. I was loved for a bit. I was happy, truly. I had everything I never dreamed I could have. It wasn’t just a fairytale, and I did loose. It was my loss. Not matter what stupid cliché shit saying people wanna spout.

A dear friend of mine, who went through a similar break up two years ago, and who has remained crushed for those two years, has only recently began to experience freedom and the ability to live again. It has been in the past two weeks that his ex is now letting him know how sorry he is and how much misses him. My friend is a mess. Both hurting and wishing it would go away. He had shut him out of his life and heart and now doesn’t want him, doesn’t think he can ever trust anyone with his heart again—let alone his ex. As much as he is hurting (and I admitted this to him), I am beyond jealous. What I would give to hear him say he misses me, to send out feelers to find out if I would take him back. But, that’s not how my life works. That would be the fairytale.

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