Monday, March 15, 2010

time travel for an hour

Although it was so hard to wake up this morning (I never understood how Chad could lay in bed an sleep through our alarm—it’s like a fog horn on crack—I understand now), and although my allergies seem to think that something evil bloomed in the night last night, I was so happy to drive in the dark again this morning. It is so much more relaxing. Listening to Margaret Cho (she’s really dirty) (the vampire romance novels are still not in from the library—I got books 17 and 18, very helpful when you’re needing 15 and 16), drinking my coffee, heater blowing on my face. I love it. And I love even more that it will be daylight well into the evening now. In and of itself, that will help my depression, at least a touch. And CSAPs are over and I can actually pretend to be a teacher again!!! See, look how positive I am!
My date last night was bittersweet. We hadn’t seen each other for two weeks, so it was nice to see him again. However, he had gone to see his ex and I am getting ready to see mine (still so strange to call him ‘my ex’. . .) so both of us were a little tender. He also let me know that is now up to a 90% chance that he will be moving at the end of summer. Perfect. Maybe, this time, knowing in advance that I’m going to get left, instead of swearing that he’d never leave, will make it more manageable. Part of me wants to say, “Well, see ya.” But, regardless if this ‘relationship’ is designed to help me move on from Chad, get me ready for him to return (yeah, right, I know), help me heal, lead me to where I’m supposed to be, or lead to something lasting (somehow) with this man, I’m not sure—but it feels like there is a purpose and this it is good. Maybe this is just one of the lies we tell ourselves (or that I tell myself—I guess you’re all not dating him). Either way, telling him I don’t want to see him anymore because he’s leaving doesn’t feel right. And, either way, I’m in no space to really trust my emotions or decisions right now, so might as well choose the one that involves kissing and spending time with a really sweet guy.

On a positive note, I couldn’t even button my skinny jeans this weekend.

Oh, shit. Being fat was attractive in the olden days, not so much now. I keep forgetting that.

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