FiNiTo

I should have the computer tonight. Thank goodness. Although it won’t have the new hard drive that I’d purchased. The old one will be back in. It seems the new fancy one didn’t want to work. Perfect, I’m so sure they’ll be willing to refund that money… Either way, at least I will have a computer again (and a new modem from yucky Comcast—apparently, I’ve been paying for whatever the high-speed internet is and receiving dial-up speed—for years… perfect).
My fundamental upbringing has been triggered to an insane degree, even more than normal, due to the heartbreaking turmoil in Japan. I remember, as a kid, hearing what the end days would be like. Well, these are pretty much exactly what I heard about. Then again, I also remember the 88 reasons Jesus was coming back in ’88, and on and on and on. You really do get numb to it all—sadly, even pretty numb to all the wars and natural disasters too. There is always some new catastrophe that I can do nothing about. Some new end of the world disaster or epidemic. The world never ends. I guess it only takes one to change that though, huh… Plus, then you hear about statistics that this is the worst quake…tsunami…hurricane… tornado… bizarre weather since……. Then they give you a date that forever ago had some worse effects. Of course, maybe that they are all at once and so close together is the sign. So, what if the world is ending? What if Jesus is on his way back right now? Would I change? Honestly, yeah, I would change a few things. However, not that much. That, in itself, is either a scary or a liberating thought. Either I’m truly confident in my life or truly deluded. I must say, it’s interesting and beyond frustrating to hear peoples’ reactions to all of this. Preaching to high-heaven about ‘narrow the way,’ how many people will go to hell, repent, repent, repent. All the time sounding like a jackass. A jackass that will be prophet if Jesus really does show up ‘on schedule.’ The people with crazy religious theories that I’ve never heard of before, crazy, crazy shit. People that say it is all happening because of people’s sin. (Old story, really tired of that one. I’m sure there were gay people in Japan somewhere—hope the waves got them so god didn’t waste his time… fucking morons.) Even through my numbness to it all, my irritation with peoples’ stupidity, I can’t shake the notion that these really are the last days. And if they are, they are. However, I really hope not. While I can’t say I’ve loved my life the past couple years, I’m not done living it, and actually hope there are things to look forward to. Even more than that, I don’t want to be robbed of the time watching Gavin grow up, simply living life with him. Yes, I know, if the world ends, if Jesus comes back (for those of you who believe I’ll be in Heaven, it will be a moot point, because things will be perfected—for those of you who believe I’ll be in Hell, we’ll, I guess that be even more reason to hope He gets postponed—for those of you who believe I’ll [we all] be nothing, just rot in the ground, I find your outlook most depressing of all, strange that Hell wouldn’t be the most depressing; however, the thought that you, I, we are nothing more than we are now… No thank you), none of this will matter anyway.