Monday, October 11, 2010

comfort foods

One of those days when my emotions have been on my sleeve and haven’t been able to be shoved back in. It was a long day a work. Struggling kids, struggling adults, torn up classroom (literally, desks flying, electric pencil sharpeners smashing), no time to work out until Friday due to work, forward then back then back again. As I left work, I pulled my phone out and began to dial HWMNBN. Didn’t even realize what I was doing, then stopped in shock. For the brief moment, not sure if was because I was tired, because of all the drama with the kids and my impatience with certain staff, or what it was, but somehow my psyche erased the last eighteen months and somehow thought I was going home to him, that I was calling him to talk about how his day was and what he wanted for dinner. I felt somewhat betrayed by my hands, and was so thankful they hadn’t completed their action. How the hell would I have explained that call? Of course, the last eighteen months rushed back in a flood. Yeah, that was fun.
You know, there were a few other things I wanted to say, but the tears are here, I’m tired and worn out. Let’s not go further—just go to couch with the pups, read, and fall asleep to Food Network.


Geoffwah said...

May you fall deeply asleep into dreams of deep fried turkey as you hear the words "...just add ya a stick o' butter..."

Avenjer said...

Wow. Hmmm. Ok, the fact that you forgot the last 18 months is really telling. Not to say that I haven't absent mindedly started to call someone who I used to be close to. Or think about my exes. I think a lot of guys do that, it's kind of a guy thing (even straight guys call old girlfriends out of the blue and the chick is like "huh?" and it's confusing) but yeah---that would have been an awkward call and unexplainable. First, please relabel him in your cell phone and offically change his name to "HWMNBN" so you won't accidentally speed dial him. Second, I think these moments happen because not enough has changed in your life since it ended (I know that EVERYTHING has changed and how lame I sound) what I mean is that your daily routine needs to be altered and remixed because too much of it is the same and seems to remind you of the past. So it's like "I took a shit in the toilet and HWMNBN used to take a shit in this toilet every night--boohoohoo---this toilet is full of so many memories---blubber blubber boohoohoo." I know I'm being awful but, the point I'm trying to make is your life seems to be the same in many ways except that he's not there and because not enough has changed in the other areas in your life--it makes you focus on the one missing element that has changed. He's like a piece of furniture that's been removed from a room, and every time you walk in the room your eye zeros in on the spot the furniture used to sit. But if you rearrange the other furniture in the room, the room is new and the spot is gone and the room works again. So you won't think about the old spot as much. That's my harsh and lame explanation but, you get the idea. Too much is the same, so he haunts you. The same-ness is comforting on one hand but, a constant bad reminder on the other. And it goes around in circles. So switch it up. Call someone else when you leave work. Someone you don't have a crush on, and ask them how their day went. You've got to push yourself out of your comfort zone B. Maybe not today, or this month. But 2011 is coming fast. So maybe you've got to set some goals for yourself for little daily changes that can help push you out of the zone, and move forward in the new year and in your new life. Or just call me after work and tell me I'm being a total bitch :) I know it's cliche but there has to be about a billion "so you broke up, now what, how do I move on?" type of books in that dreaded self help aisle of the book store. But maybe some of those could be of help.