Sunday, October 17, 2010

sunday lesson

I went to church this morning. Since it isn’t a holiday, you got it, TB was teaching. As ever, he did the impossible. He made me feel conviction. I’d really hate him if I didn’t love him so much.
Today, he spoke on the gifts of the spirit. Except, not really. He taught about the Shadow that goes along with each of the gifts. You know, the fun ones—fear, hate, greed, lust, etc.
According to what I believe my main spiritual gift is, my primary shadow is Fear/Worry. Totally makes sense. And, if you’ve read this blog before, it probably makes sense to you too. Of course, that’s not my only shadow, but the main one. While not a point he spoke of, upon thinking about it, I think some of my other shadows are in response/reaction to my primary shadow—attempts to deal with the fear. Anger, Gluttony, Lust. Those are typically the way I suppress that fear and worry and hurt. Remember when I said I was just gonna be honest and damn the consequences? Well, gonna start getting a lot more honest. Or at least a lot more blunt. Feel free to turn the blog to another page.
Before HWMNBN, I was a lot more careful about certain things. Love and lust for one. To me it was something so very, very special. Something, in many ways, I’d held onto to a much, much larger degree than those around me. As with my heart, I gave my body fully, my passion, everything, as did he, for awhile. Having that rejected and abandoned has really made it seem foolish and akin to believing in fairy tales and Disney movies. As a result, I haven’t had the same outlook I had previous. Or actions. (I am planning another entry on this subject later—maybe next week, but hopefully this one.)
I felt a lot of conviction around some of these areas today.
Here’s the bottom line, and maybe I will allow the conviction to convict to the point of action, but right now, not so much. I know I should live a certain way (and no I don’t mean straight—and if you really think that’s what I would be convicted about, please go elsewhere), but no longer see how it matters. Life doesn’t play by the rules, doesn’t care what we’ve sacrificed or not. Why should I?

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