Saturday, October 09, 2010

falling leaves

This is my favorite weather. Cool, but not cold enough to need a jacket, the leaves turning, but flowers still in bloom. The dogs always get longer walks this time of year—this and Spring, we just got back from one.
Gavin was with me for the past twenty-four hours. It’s amazing how much it takes out of me, having to be on ‘on’ all the time. Parents are astounding—good ones, anyway. It’s also amazing how much I love being with him, how he really is the only thing/person I have found that makes the constant hurt go away. The knowledge of it is there, in the back of my mind/heart, but not able to control me as much. However, once he’s gone, it rushes back with a torrent. I made a mistake, but I knew I was making it. We were both so tired; I turned on the cooking network and we lay down on the couch and slept for two hours. We woke up at three when my folks arrived to take their ‘shift’ with him. I knew it was dangerous to take a nap, naps always are for me—I told myself to get things done while he was sleeping, but how do you pass up the chance to sleep with a warm, cuddly ball of perfection nestled on your chest? All too soon, he will be too big to hold, too old to cuddle. Know the moment you live in and devour it. To hell with the consequences. I grabbed every moment I had with HWMNBN because I knew what I had at the time, and it was worth the continuing aftermath. A small thing, but I knew the depression that would follow after the nap, but that moment with him is worth it.
I have to go to one of my best friend’s birthday’s tonight. I’ve been wanting to, been looking forward to it. He’s one of my friends I love most, and I’ve had a crush on him for awhile (one that I keep under control) (not sure what that has to do with anything), and I want to be there for him, help celebrate his birthday. However, I’m having one of those days where I really just want to turn to my hibernating ways. Wrap in the warmth and noisy anonymity of the coffee shop and loose myself in writing, or stay at home and take another long walk with the dogs while listening to my new Carpathian vampire novel (which makes me cry and feel safe at the same time), or maybe go paint more pottery with my ears pulled into my iPod. I want to see him and the group of friends that will be there. All my best guy friends will be there (save two), but it is going to take every once of strength I have to put on nice clothes, go to the restaurant, and face them. I remember when such things weren’t only the norm, but took no more effort than breathing. In fact, I was always a little upset when there wasn’t such an event to go to every weekend—if not more. Who was that boy? I liked him better.

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