Tuesday, October 26, 2010

once more, again and again

I know you don’t believe me, hell, I hardly believe myself, but I want to write happy things. I really do. There was a double rainbow on the way to work yesterday. True, I didn’t see it, but everyone and their dog told me about it. I got a few texts about it actually. Did I blog about that? Nope.
Here, I will now: Double Rainbow. Ohhhh, Awwww, Preeeeetty. Warm. Fuzzy. Joy. There ya go.
It’s one of those times where I need to blog and vomit all that is going on, but can’t as it isn’t just about me. However, like I wrote a couple days ago, I am so tired of the choices others make without my consent or input and irrevocably changing my life, changing my family. The man I thought I’d marry changed his mind one day, and altered the rest of how I saw my life. Friends make choices that change the shape of my world. Children are given to people who can’t even take care of themselves, let alone another human—and there is no choice but to sit back and watch, hands tied, waiting to see what fucked up decision happens next and wait to see how that will effect the relationship with the one I love most.
I know this is presented in just a bitchy and vague manner—not at all gracious or hopeful. I will say this: While I wish God would take control of people making choices for others who can’t for themselves, none of me blames God right now, and I know that if there is any chance of good happening, it will be from Him. And, at this point, would be miraculous. In that vein, as always, keep this unusually vague manner in your prayers, please. It is probably an issue that I will never be able to share or document. I will say this, in my own prayers with God, I’ve taken the stance of Moses, offering to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of one who is innocent. More than my prayers for HWMNBN to return, even more than my prayers for the health test to come out clean, that’s how much this means. So, I once again, covet your prayers.
The days when life seemed simple and good seem so fare away, even though it wasn’t that long ago. I can’t help but wonder if I was just delusional. If so, sanity, please leave me.

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