becoming an issue

I think TB’s sermon last week was just fodder for the fire that I didn’t know was even there. Forgiveness. Grrrrr…..
I had my annual Gay Boy BBQ last night. As always, it stirred up lots of feelings. Shocking. This was not helped by the fact that two of the boys I’ve been going on dates with were both there. They both know that I’m just dating and that I’m nowhere near being datable right now. So, it wasn’t that big of deal. Still, that was a situation I’d never pictured myself in. I don’t think I’m cut out to be this person.
Even more fun, I almost committed murder. There is this person who went on a date with my best friend and was an absolute horrific ass. Before that, he made out with he-who-must-not-be-named. It wasn’t that big of deal, as he told me and felt horrible, and nothing of the such happened before or after. Still, I never wanted to see this person again, and after the breakup, this guy become a symbol of, well, evil, in my mind. I actually planned to confront him when I saw him out and about. By confront, I was planning on breaking my fist for the first time in my life. (See, who is this person typing this?) I was rather looking forward to it. Then I heard he moved away. So, wonder of wonders, he wanders into my home last night. My feelings of this. . . man (?) aren’t really common knowledge, so there was no reason my friend would have known there was only one other person that would have hurt me more to bring.
I went in another room by myself for awhile and paced, debating on leaving my own party or going back and either throwing him from my house or beating his ass. No matter my friend didn’t know the past, the guy did, and the fact that he had the audacity to enter my home, eat my food, visit with my friends was nearly more than I could handle. As always (wimp or not) I turned my anger to tears and fought back what I wanted, still want. After a bit, I returned to the BBQ, bitched to one of my best friends to that I wouldn’t be stupid—or brave.
It all comes back to I don’t know who this guy is that I am anymore. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone in my life, even in fantasy, let alone, being physically close to it. I never envisioned a function where there would be two men I was dating at the same time. Then again, my life has taken several turns that have been out of my control that I didn’t envision either.