Friday, August 06, 2010

the me from your eyes

The majority of yesterday was an emotional beat down, one that I wasn’t quite able to overcome until yesterday evening. The past was continuously smacking me in the face and taunting. Today is better. No tears today. For that I am very, very grateful.
I have spent a little time this morning reading reactions (not public comments—they tend to be too hate ridden for me to read and keep my head above water) from top governmental leaders across the country in response to Prop 8 being overturned for the time being—hopefully for good. The reactions are exactly what you’d think from exactly whom you’d think they’d be from. The only one that really surprised me was Gov. Schwarzenegger, who was less PC and more affirming of the decision than I thought he’d be. It is still strange to think of him as a governor. I love that he is in a new movie right now too. So funny. I wonder if they had to call me Governor. If so, I hope they did so in a British accent.
You’d think I’d be used to it (especially since I was one of those making such arguments), but I just can’t seem to get there. Even beyond right and wrong, it blows my mind to hear what these public officials are saying. About me. Sure, many would say that they aren’t really saying it about me—that it’s about the gay-agenda. Well, folks, that’s about me. I am the gay agenda. My gay friend and members of my family that are gay are the gay agenda. It amazes me that I am seen as such a danger. Such a disgusting, corruptive force. That men that have been married three or more times see me wanting to marry one man (whether that ever works out or not) as defying the ‘sanctity’ of marriage. I can promise you, if I have that privilege (both legally and romantically), there will not be one ounce of honor, respect, and commitment that I won’t pour into it.
No matter what your views on it, I really can’t see how it is even a question legally. I get morally, I do. As much as anyone could, even if I no longer believe it. It seems so black and white to me, so clear. Even if you don’t agree, how can you argue that there is a group of people who are not treated as equal, not given equal rights? I know you can. Some of my best gay friends aren’t in favor of gay marriage. I can’t discuss it with them for very long. I rarely feel the need to loudly defend my stance on issues, however, this one (along with several child issues) I struggle to stay calm when I discuss. For those that are straight and against it, it seems like it should be enough for me to stand in front of them and for it all to make sense to them. You know me. You love me. You know who I am and what I stand for. How is this a question for you? How can you see me, know me, love me, and say, ‘No, you can’t have what I have. You are less.’ Yes, yes, I know that by denying me that so-called right, you are giving me one more chance to turn from hell-fire. Maybe that answers my question. If I can stand in front of you, after how long you have known me, how much you have loved me and I have loved you. If you can look at my face, in my eyes, and see a human, a person, a man that God is sending to Hell, what else is there to say? I don’t see how you can believe such of God, of the God we love and don’t understand. If I looked in your eyes, loving you, and saw Hell in your future, I don’t see how I could believe or love the god that would send you there. Of course, as we both know, it’s not up to me. So, why am I surprised when government officials who I have no faith or trust in see me as vile, dangerous, and sick, when you, who have known and loved me, grimace and ache for me since we will one day be separated for eternity. Best to say goodbyes now, I suppose.

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