perspective

I went with a friend to do some errands a couple days ago. On one of these errands, we stopped at one of her friend’s houses and he wanted to give us a tour. I’ve never seen so many fish tanks in one house. I think I counted twelve (maybe more). Most of them salt water. Most of them needing cleaned badly. The guy’s girlfriend was working on her new Apple computer. The one with the screen as big a small car. Not that I’m jealous or anything... Her screen shoot was this gorgeous photo of earth. It showed this swirling mass of white. It looked like a fantasy movie or something. When she saw me inspecting it, she said that it was the view of earth from space of a hurricane and casually commented on how something so destructive can be so beautiful. Being cynical, depressive me, my brain instantly made the connection to God. Maybe in some fashion, our pain (okay, let’s be honestly, MY pain—all about me) is this stunning cacophony of colors, swirls, and brilliance from God’s vantage. I don’t really think so, I certainly hope not, however, it would explain a lot.
In a different, yet connected topic, I was sort of accused of choosing to moon over hwmnbn and refusing to move on and live life. To a point, I can see this. For instance, for the past week or so, I have had to make a constant effort to not write him. Just to see how he is, just to ‘hear’ his voice. I miss my best friend. My lover. To have no contact for months is awful. However, I don’t want to hear from him either. I don’t want him to talk to me when he loves someone else. I can see how someone would say I’m choosing to moon over him. However, I actively try to not. Every effort I give is to not. What am I expected to do?