First day back. On my way to work, I thought, ‘I’m not dreading this.’ To which I thought, ‘Huh! I’m not dreading this.” It’s true that given the option I would write fulltime. However, even though that isn’t an option, I have to say, I love my job. I love my kids. If I felt I was choosing this as a safe route and not attempting to chase what I want most, I probably wouldn’t love it as much, but it’s still a choice. I choose to be a teacher. I could get lots of jobs that pay a lot more (although not as much time off to write), but I don’t want to. I want this. That’s nice to know, and I’m thankful.
Returning to normal schedule land is a trigger, emotionally. I remember that first day back last year, I actually broke and contacted him on my way out of school, just like I always had. Leave work, call him to figure out dinner and see how his day was, go work out, pick him up from his job, live our life. When he left, I told him that I wasn’t going to stalk or drive him crazy. That day was one of the very few times I contacted him first. I still felt like I should today, well, not really ‘should’ I guess—just wanted to. This is the longest it’s been since I’ve heard from him. Which is how it should be I suppose. Why should he think of me when he loves someone else?
All of this has made me over-think telling the guy no about dating him last week. I don’t want endless hook-ups. I don’t want random cuddle nights. I don’t want to be alone. As much as I love them, I don’t wanna fall asleep with the dogs every night (Dolan has finally started to cuddle with Dunkyn and I—Dunkyn at my chest, Dolan at my feet—makes daddy very happy). I need to find a way to make my heart stop waiting for his return that will never happen. I almost called the guy tonight and told him that I acted too fast, that I’ll give it a try. However, that’s a horrible idea. When I make that move with someone, it needs to be all about them, not about me trying to replace what can’t be replaced.
I decided to be a good boy tonight and go with my neighbor (she and I have never seen a movie together, but we’re kinda identical, so it should be fun) and see the new Julia Roberts movie. In pre-hindsight, probably not such a good idea, since I get teary just at the trailers for this film.
On a completely different side note, I just started The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I am so worried about my drama book being to slow and dry at the beginning. This book is a huge, huge success and it one of the most boring things I’ve ever read so far—I hear it gets great later, but still. If all these people and sludge through this mess, surely my book couldn’t be so daunting!
Black Coffee Tables
1 year ago