Sunday, August 15, 2010

stars almost within reach

Last night, I had one of those very few perfect moments. The kind where you realize how wonderful the moment is when you’re in it—almost as if you are watching it happen from outside your body. It was perfect. Unexpected and perfect.
As some of you will remember, I started this blog when the first boy I loved (only loved two) left me and I needed a way to get out my feelings (love how life hasn’t changed in four years). As you may also remember, I truly loved him and was devastated when he left—swearing he would never return.
Last night, after much conversation of the past and present, the unthinkable happened. Nearly three in morning. Somehow the sky was a gleaming blue with dark grey clouds. The wind was nothing more than a calm, caressing breeze. The crickets and locus screaming their song to an almost MidWest volume. His porch light illuminating on one side of us, the street lamp lighting the other. He called me back to him as I left. He pulled me in and kissed me. We held each other in that perfect moment for probably half an hour. His familiar kisses which I missed for so long. His strong hands on my face. His eyes, finally open to me again.
It was a moment I used to dream of. One that I knew wouldn’t happen, as I don’t live in one of my fairy tales. A moment that was better than I imagined. A moment I knew I’d never, ever forget. In that moment, everything leading up made sense. I understood.
It was perfect. I drove home in tears of happiness. I fell asleep with a feeling of completion, as if the answers were finally coming. I had just as many questions and I could see hurdles to come, but they weren’t daunting. It felt so right and made so much sense. I couldn’t believe after all this time, it was really happening. To me!
Then I woke up this morning. Then we spoke this morning. ‘I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to be in a relationship. I don’t want to hurt you later.’ Nearly word for word what he-who-must-not-be-named said. Almost verbatim.
I guess I should feel lucky. The two men I’ve loved in my life are equally invested in not hurting me. And making sure that I know I’m not enough to spend a life with.
I always point out to my kids when they are mad at everyone, how everyone is always picking them, how everyone is out to get them—that they are the common denominator in these relationships. They need to look at themselves. Well, here, I’m the common denominator. The two loves of my life. Two very different men. The exact same response. Somehow, somewhere, for some reason, the problem is me.
Again, I’m hurting. I’m confused. I’m not enough.
I thankful for my perfect fairytale moment last night.
Unbelievably thankful. And I will hold it so dear.
If only I didn’t need to wake up to remember that isn’t how my life is written.


Avenjer said...

Damn, that sucks. Ok here are my 2 cents, not that you care or that I'm an expert but here you go...Well, in a way you sort of get closure, and validation by his wanting you again. Really in the past few months you've had a string of men wanting you. A few weekend flings, those 2 handsome guys (one you said you just ended it with) and now the first ex. Really you've seen more action than most guys out there. Men want you. Which is good. Now you just need to figure out how to spot the right kind. This common denominator viewpoint, you being the connection between your breakups---this sounds like that season 2 episode of "Sex and the city" titled "games we play." Where Carrie, is forced to see a shrink after her second breakup with Mr. Big, and the shrink points out that she is the common denominator in her bad relationships. And suggests that maybe, Carrie picks the wrong men. Carrie does not agree and feels the wrong men pick her. Later Carrie, dates a cute fellow patient she meets in the shrink's waiting room, and after they have sex, while lying in bed she asks him what he's in therapy for. He answers "I'm really fucked up about women. After I sleep with them I lose all interest. How about you? What are you in therapy for?" Carrie now stunned, thinks to herself "In therapy this moment is called having a breakthrough" and aloud answers "I pick the wrong men." Now, I bring all this up because is it really like you think, that you're the problem and drive "ex" and "he who shall not..." away? Or are they the problem? Based on the fact that they both said the same verbatim speech, you took that speech as them not wanting to spend a life with you. But what about the other part they said in that speech---that neither of them is "sure if I’ll ever be able to be in a relationship." That's not you B. That's them. And they keep getting involved with a guy (you) who wants a relationship. But what about you? Do you let the men pick you and see where it goes, hoping he's relationship material? Do you pick the guys, knowing that they're not giving you relationship signals and hoping you can turn them into "the one?" What if a guy is standing in front of you jumping up and down, saying he wants to be in a relationship? Have you turned down guys like this because you just didn't feel attracted to them or them being a complete match? Clearly you were attracted to your ex, but was he ever relationship material? The only pattern I'm seeing is you get/date handsome men (who get/can get offers from other guys all the time, which makes them want to jump off ANY relationship when the slightest problem occurs, because somebody new and cute is exciting to them) which can make a relationship hard and you are MAYBE trying to create a relationship out of someone who isn't a relationship guy (he's a short term dating guy who's maybe relationship curious). Is "attraction" what you look for first (with any guy) and relationship signals after? Or a guy giving relationship signals who happens to be attractive? I could go on about this but the comments only allow so much room. Maybe one day we'll email. Keep hanging in there :)

Brandon said...

I don't have it in me to respond to each of your points right now, but I greatly appreciate you making them, for caring, and for reading. Kinda love you!