dear jon

I found out today, from a friend who read my blog, that the friend I found out last week had died, actually committed suicide. I was prepared for people to die. I’m even getting used to people choosing to leave me. This, however, just not prepared for. I really don’t have a framework to even begin to comprehend it. In some ways, I do. In my line of work, I’ve dealt a lot with suicide—both with people wanting to and dealing with their family committing suicide. However, personally, I can’t wrap my brain around it. One second I am so sad that I wasn’t there for him in that finally decision making moment. So sad to think he could have stayed with me that night and maybe not have been so desperate. The next, I am so furious with him. Way to choose to leave me. And everyone else.
jon, I love you, I will miss you, and I am so, so, so mad and hurt by you.