Thursday, June 03, 2010

cut the wire

I got a call from someone I love very much this afternoon, and I have been in tears on and off the rest of the day. A call that was about their life—not mine.

It has plunged me back into (like I ever left) the moments before, the days before, the weeks before Chad left. Plunged me into the hopelessness I now see in love, in being able to trust anyone, ever. Every single person (nearly) that I know has been devastated by love or is being so currently. And the ones that haven’t (or that I don’t know of), I still wouldn’t want the relationship they have.

Honestly, and I truly do believe this, if I could find the switch to turn it off, I would. Even if the cost was becoming cold and hard, incapable of even the possibility of loving again. Even as I say that, thoughts turn to him, and the impossible chance of his return, knowing I would risk it again. Even that, though, is proof that I need t flip that fucking switch. I just need to find it.

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